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A Greek Tragedy
Lost in the metaphor of you,
I submit
one last time.
The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders
and truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Mon, 2012-07-09 17:51
It does,
It does feel as dark as any Greek could offer, the only thing i'd change is. Take away the (and) in the second last line. And then i'd say it's good. Love Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Kailashana2
Mon, 2012-07-09 17:59
Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find
Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find another *connecting* word. Any ideas, Roscoe?
~A
Roscoe Lane
Tue, 2012-07-10 01:53
I would,
I would begin the sentence with truth, or you could try , alas, with a comma after shoulders. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
judyanne
Tue, 2012-07-10 02:37
i really like this anna
i like the 'and' also
but if you are looking to change it would 'with' (without the 'as', as in 'with truth a key...') work for you?
great title
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Kailashana2
Tue, 2012-07-10 07:20
Nah, I'll keep the *and*.
Nah, I'll keep the *and*.
You know what? It's the thing the one word that connects without any doubt.
;-)
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-07-10 11:03
Anna
Lovely write, I think that "where" would join those lines without a whisper.
The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders,
where truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.
And is OK but if needs must then !!!!!! Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..