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Gardening With A Gun...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2022-07-13 17:28

I had him in my sights
I was about to shoot
The culmination of our fights
he ate the blossoms of my fruit

The morning dawned so brightly
blue skies were overhead
he was centered in my scope
a little squeeze, and he'd be dead!

I was sitting in my blind
he was so unaware
Silken fur, and shining brown
bright-eyed without a care

A moment more was needed
What's that, another furry fiend?
A little version of his mommy!
I was about to scream

Now, he nuzzles closer
mommy gives up the bloom
Little does she know
this has saved her from certain doom!

I didn't think that I could shoot her
she was trying to feed her kid
I guessed I'd buy my veggies
just like I always did

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
True story! I have a powerful pellet-rifle that would have done the job!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week 7/10/22 through 7/16/22
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

RoseBlack

Wed, 2022-07-13 20:41

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Such a sweet suspenseful poem with a surprise ending! So glad the hunter had a heart and let mama and baby go.

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Wed, 2022-07-13 21:57

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other than the fact that the garden belongs to my next-door neighbor! I was about to shoot the woodchuck; actually from my yard, but had a change of heart after seeing the baby alongside. Bob says; "Ah, let 'em go, I will think of something else to keep them from getting the other veggies. ~ He's a good egg. ~ Geez.
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RoseBlack

Wed, 2022-07-13 22:10

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You guys have big hearts!

~RoseBlack~

Rosewood Apothecary

Wed, 2022-07-13 21:04

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I wanted to play around with it to make everything equal but I just started messing it up. My one suggestion.

“The morning dawned so brightly
blue skies were overhead
he was centered in my scope
a little squeeze, and he'd be dead!”

Lose the “had” you don’t need it. Dawn(ed) already tells us it’s in the past and it’s a stumbling stone. Really the only one. The rest reads totally fine even tho some lines of some stanzas have different syllable counts.

Bravo for not killing things in your garden,
Tim

Geezer

Wed, 2022-07-13 21:51

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doesn't always have to be of equal length. What is nice, is to have a conversational tone to it. If the meter is too even, when you change scenes or topic, it sounds mechanical. I've noticed throughout my years as a story-teller, and listening to others, that if you get sounding too even and boring, the listeners get restless and unresponsive. Watch a good story-teller as he tells a story to his/her audience. Children are especially receptive to added excitment and variations in the tone and speed of a narration. I did take your suggestion of deleting the extraneous [had]. Thank you for the read and critique. ~ Geez.
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Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-07-14 08:15

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aww, this is so sweet! (I bet you are cringing about now, sorry) this is the kind of story that you tell, when everyone is gathered around a fire (camp or hearth) it makes for a good night telling! I loved the whole thing! tough guy

*hugs, Cat

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Geezer

Thu, 2022-07-14 14:08

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Yeah, I'm a tough guy. LoL
Hugs back, Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Ray Whitaker

Fri, 2022-07-15 13:44

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happened. Like you, I didn't want to make another orphan in this world.

great piece!

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Geezer

Fri, 2022-07-15 14:14

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And, I am constantly amazed at the proliferation of wildlife here in in my urban area. Nature prevails here in the city, in the most unlikely of places! On our block, we have racoons, squirrels, a skunk or two, owls, hawks, woodchucks and I have heard that there is a fox a couple of blocks further south, down by the railway. The only animals I have done away with, are a squirrel or two, for chewing our cable wires and digging into our garbage-cans. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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