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THE FRESH AIR OF LOVE

Submitted by Jackweb on Sat, 2022-11-19 04:45

I want to breathe a fresh air of love
a love without ripples and wrinkles
a love with longevity of happiness
a love grafted with sincerity of mind

I want to breathe a fresh air of love
a love that has never been tested
a love with purity, with a kind heart
that ne'er takes pleasure in revenge

I want to breathe a fresh air of love
a love that strictly abides my desire
a love that never halts in any form
or bites, or kindles a fire of mischief

If truly there's a fresh air of love here
I would sail daily on it's sweet wave
I would never get down or stop at all
for a true love is hard to find here

© Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-11-19 11:19

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I see that needs changing is, "a love that [has] never been tested."
I like the line: "I want to breathe a fresh air of love." I would have used
"The fresh Air of Love" as the title. The idea of love being fresh and new is so awesome!
Nice job, man. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Sat, 2022-11-19 15:30

Jackweb's picture

You're very observant in finding things. Even when I finished writing I knew the title was not suitable. Much appreciated!.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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Rosewood Apothecary

Sat, 2022-11-19 18:06

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You know this is so extremely good. Like, when you were writing this did you have goosebumps or tears? Because that’s what happens to me when I’ve got a leash on a comet. This is a masterpiece friend. It works for me on all levels.

Outstanding
Tim

Jackweb

Sat, 2022-11-19 18:43

Jackweb's picture

Yeah, you're right! I felt it emotionally as I was writing it. That's why you could feel the expression in the poem. Much appreciated for reading through and your precious comments.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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Lavender

Sat, 2022-11-19 20:51

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Hi, Jackweb!
"...a love with purity, with a kind heart
that ne're takes pleasure in revenge..."
So lovely, and wonderful poetry!

I'm curious why the word "here" is used at the end of S4, L1 and L4. It stands out just a bit to me, but I wonder if it defines something intentional. Also, I believe "it's sweet wave" should be "its."
Just reading this gives me a strong sense of hope and appreciation for true love.
L

Jackweb

Wed, 2022-11-23 09:29

Jackweb's picture

Much appreciated for reading and your precious comments. You have the answer already. It was intentionally written that way. Thanks for the correction on (its).
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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