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BY FIRELIGHT
As we sit enveloped by new night
on a crisp and clear October eve
beneath the moon and star's cold light
with faces turned up to receive.
The cheery light of cedar burning
casts flickers from the fire pit
reminding us of past hot yearning
as we warm ourselves in front of it.
I need not see to know your form
familiar from so many years
of sharing life and bed so warm
and even more than a few tears.
We whisper in foreshortened speech
sparks swarming toward the near full moon.
We both start at a barn owl screech.
The cold will drive us inside soon.
But, for now, we'll draw together
and let our arms and love entwine
both knowing nothing lasts forever
but for tonight the world is fine.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-01-22 17:52
Dear Stan,
I love reading your romantic poems! They are always so well thought out. I do think the title need a little work. A suggestion: Under An October Moon. I just don't think that Firelight does it justice. Your rhyming makes the piece flow well. Your work is a pleasure to read.
always, Cat
*
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scribbler
Sun, 2012-01-22 20:09
Hello Cat
Odd that you should mention title change on the verge of a worksop coming up on titles lol. I will therefore do something I've only done two or three time before and make a title change(however slight). Thanks for visiting........stan
author commentEsker
Mon, 2012-01-23 00:28
I thought it said "FIreFlight"
enjoyed this poem as sitting by the fire
(with the lovelies in the day) or solitaire
I did enjoy the descriptions are spot on
and the flow went well from beginning to end
Thank You
scribbler
Mon, 2012-01-23 00:33
hello Esker
Always good to see you on my page. I'm pleased you enjoyed this............stan
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-08-20 01:41
beautiful stan – simply
beautiful stan – simply beautiful
just a couple of things
‘sounds sifted as if by a sieve’ - meter changes radically.. and imo it is in the wrong place – I am just settling into the gentleness and relaxation of the poem, and I am jerked out of it
‘casts flickers from the fire pit’ - I love the way the ‘casts flickers’ comes off the tongue – great imagery here stan – the sound of the words and the feel of the words conjures very strong images of fire, the only thing I think that might make it perfect would be if you didn’t use the word fire at all – you’d need another two syllable word there in place for the rhythm – and it would be good if you could keep the ‘f’ alliteration ‘flaming’ would fit scansion wise, but it’s not as strong as ‘fire’ – I think you’d have a problem getting a word as stong as fire…
‘We whisper in foreshortened speach’ – typo - speech
‘as sparks swarm toward the near full moon’ scansion is slightly off.. removing ‘as’ would work
I love the whole thing stan – start to finish a beautiful write
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-20 08:24
hi J
I've wrestled with that Sieve line even while writing it. Think I'll keep fire pit. Flaming pit could be misconstrued as 'roid troubles lol. And that damned word speech has bitten me on the butt yet one more time lol. Oh well this was 1st edit but won't be the last one. Thanks for dropping by and glad you liked it..............stan
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-08-20 15:22
that Sieve line
can i suggest
'sounds sifted as flour through a sieve; ??
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-08-20 08:28
Hi Eph
Yeah, that lines gonna get a total rewrite as soon as I can think of exactly how lol. As to title change I already added "BY" and I seldom change titles at all. Don't want to be perceived as trying to trick people into another read. Appreciate the visit.................stan
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