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FAREWELL
All somber, those who stand around
this wound cut deep into the ground
beside a box so square and stout
as if they fear you might get out
but from this casket there's no sound.
The preacher murmurs on unheard.
My attention's fixed upon a bird,
a hawk soaring nearly out of sight
within a sky so clear and bright
as if nothing special had occurred.
I was present at your final breath
from lethal battle fought with death
when you left to join old friends
where we all go when short life ends,
that end to everybody's path.
Now time to wipe a last sad tear
and although I hold you dear
I'll linger here but a short while
remembering your happy smile
but I'll not return, you are not here...
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
the_fool
Tue, 2011-12-13 22:39
spot on!
i usually try not to comment on pieces i can't critique, but this one is too good to pass on. the tempo, the rhyming, the language, all of it fits perfectly to me. sorry beau and elf, but all i can really say here is i like it. please keep 'em coming.
scribbler
Tue, 2011-12-13 23:34
hello
I took my own advice and read this aloud a few times. This brought some stumbles into light that I corrected before posting. I guess even a bling hog stumbles upon an occasional acorn lol. Thanks for the visit and kind words...................stan
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2011-12-14 00:33
beautifully crafted, mate
just one slightly awkward inversions for rhyme
but from this casket there's no sound.
and one typo
The preacher mumurs on unheard [murmurs]
There are a couple of minor flaws in scansion but I would leave them, the slightly irregularity helps prevent the piece from becoming sing-songy, gives the reader pause for thought.
My biggest crit is almost unfixable once the poem is written. This is excellent iambic tetrameter however really serious verse often resonates better in pentameter.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
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scribbler
Wed, 2011-12-14 07:43
hello Jess
Dang typos lol. Will correct post haste. And I think you are really stretching at the casket line being inverted but we'll just have to disagree on that. And as to tetrameter, I'm still at work in learning different types meter and appreciate having this identified.Always have learned best by doing. Thanks for visiting............stan PS I've been told that I have so many flaws in my work that it has actually become my "style" lol
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