Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

everything's gone

I stare into the depths of the empty space in my mind
where thoughts normally reside
what happened to me
it seems so long since the days of
carefree being
the days of
the sun on my face
and my heart filled with bliss
what happened to me
that child is gone
but is anything ever really gone
is that person still there
lurking in the corners of my mind
maybe if I stare long enough I'll find her
maybe i'll get a glimpse of what i could have been
if society hadn't squeezed the curiosity out of me like
python holding its victim in its grasp
teasing you
not letting that part of you die until
all hope of happiness is drained from your body
and your dreams of a better world come crashing
back to a dying earth
filled with dying people unwilling to share the burden of
life

keeping their feelings tight inside til it all comes spilling out
everything you wanted but never got
all the times you needed was someone to lean on
all the things you yearned to tell somebody, anybody...
then it gets stuffed back into the farthest places
out of reach
but just touching your consciousness enough to
make you stare yearningly into the darkness that has swallowed
the child within you

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is my first time back on this website in at least a few months. I haven't written a lot of poetry recently. I also probably won't respond to comments immediately, if at all. I'm very busy.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is a very dark piece overall, but  i loved it. 

Read through it a couple of times. There is some amazing imagery here, such as in the lines:

        and your dreams of a better world come crashing

        back to a dying earth

        filled with dying people unwilling to share the burden of

        life

Wow!

There were just a couple of lines that  i think need a VERY minor tweak. I attach the TWEAKED version below:

        a python holding its victim in its grasp

        all the times you needed was someone to lean on

 

Other than that,  I thought this was pretty well done!

Congratulations!

Psyve

This is a stunning piece! The rhetorical question makes a point and is very effective in hooking a reader's interest and making them think about their own response to the question in hand.

If I had written this, I would input the question marks on these lines.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.