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Envy and Earth (Green)

Submitted by Rosewood Apothecary on Thu, 2022-07-14 12:01

The serpent’s eyes like peridot
Did stare me down headlong
A fountain head of jealousy
So vicious and so strong

It’s not that I don’t know my worth
Or I don’t have enough
This envy of what others have
Stands strong in its rebuff

I stood atop the hill with Thoth
Where life and wisdom live
Asked swift footed Mercury
What secrets he may give

Plant your seeds inside my mind
Watch them grow verdant
Let me lie down in your field
To gather all I want

Taste you in the air we breathe
Colorless, that’s true
I inhale and smell the green
I exhale into you

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-07-14 12:56

Candlewitch's picture
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this is the kind of poetry that holds the reader breathless throughout the reading... when I got my wind back, wow, was the only word that came to me...won't you throw this drowning woman a raft? i had to go back to the top and start all over again for another absorption. I am on my knees! these lines held me rapt:

The serpent’s eyes like peridot
Did stare me down headlong
A fountain head of jealousy
So vicious and so strong

and these:

Taste you in the air we breathe
Colorless, that’s true
I inhale and smell the green
I exhale into you
leave me weak all over (a true poetic climax!)

*hugs, Cat

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Rosewood Apothecary

Thu, 2022-07-14 14:45

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I cannot thank you enough. I am thoroughly enjoying this challenge. Your comment is uplifting and intoxicating.

Respectfully
Tim

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2022-07-14 14:53

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I have another one coming up. just need to figure out how to present it.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Thu, 2022-07-14 22:08

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Beautifully written! I agree with Cat that it is breathtaking, leaving the reader wanting more. I truly enjoy your poems.

~RoseBlack~

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