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Enjoying Solitude

Submitted by alidzain on Sat, 2014-05-17 16:51

Lying on the sweet grass.
I gaze at the myriad stars of the summer night,
companions to the Mistress Moon
while a gentle wind caresses my skin in delight.

The silence greets me
with a sense of peace in my solitude
which has eluded my mind
when the strains of the city life intrudes.

Sighing to myself,
I close my eyes to embrace sleep,
enjoying a quiet moment
where I can be alone but not lonely....

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Comments

Ian.T

Sat, 2014-05-17 19:09

Alid

I will send you a PM to see what I think you should do with this write.
It has good bones and the theme is good, just a few small things to try to make it flow,
Take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

scribbler

Sun, 2014-05-18 22:52

Just time for a "quickie" critique. Tense still messing things up a bit lol. Either gaze and caressed or gaze and caresses. Either choice will work fine I think. Lines 3 and 4 in second stanza for an incomplete sentence. I leave it to you to correct . Should be an easy fix.
I could almost feel Myself lying on the grass under a spring moon and drifting off to sleep.......stan

alidzain

Mon, 2014-05-19 06:36