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Drifting Bliss
I’ve been cross-examined and scrutinized,
somewhat morally crucified.
By those I thought were true friends.
Happiness and bliss were always taken for granted.
I asked question, expecting answers.
Foolish as I was, my drink was also tainted.
Believe what you hear, see, and/or read.
This gross compilation is all a part of me.
The raging storms in my soul still burn,
making my anger twist and return.
My blood runs chilled through my veins,
and these thoughts that I have; I should not entertain.
I miss these streets of fire.
The soft amber phosphorescence of night,
cold hard wind in my face,
and only starlight to guide my path.
Sometimes I wonder why our time is so short.
And this is only for some of us.
To reveal and contort.
You see, this carnivals stage is for all.
Not only for me,
but for everybody
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words:
This is a poem my father and I worked on together and I just really hope y'all like our little family collab
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-06-24 02:16
Welcome!
Welcome. I’m glad you’ve decided to come and practice writing and share your work here. I think that your writing IS very good. I advise you to continue. I thought the work was easy to read and has some nice rhyme amongst a free meter. I enjoyed reading it. I liked the theme and I feel you have coherent movement. Nice job and welcome again.
Tim
Jordyn Alyssa
Fri, 2022-06-24 14:31
Thank you for the welcome. I
Thank you for the welcome. I have always loved poetry so I decided to come here and share my works with the public. To help not only with my confidence in my writing, but also to help me grow as a writer. With that being said, your compliments mean a lot to me. They made me so happy, I really made a huge smile. Thank you so much.
author commentCandlewitch
Fri, 2022-06-24 06:13
hello Jordyn,
it is very nice to meet you, welcome to Neopoet. we are always happy to see a poet of your caliber.
in line 5: (Question) should be: Questions,
that is the only thing that is out of place. you have a very fine piece here. I like your title. the poem flows well, without any glitches. good rhyming and rhythm your poem has special meaning for me.
I just recently (within a couple of months) lost someone that I thought was a good friend for 25 years. I didn't used to be handicapped, in a wheelchair. my husband and I used too take her with us on outings and day trips, so she wouldn't be alone. and because we liked her company. now that I am disabled, she doesn't have time for me...not even a phone call.
see how potent your poem is...it got me on a rant, LOL! I really liked these lines:
This gross compilation is all a part of me.
The raging storms in my soul still burn,
making my anger twist and return.
My blood runs chilled through my veins,
and these thoughts that I have; I should not entertain.
(It still hurts and angers me that she so callously dropped me.)
great write!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jordyn Alyssa
Fri, 2022-06-24 14:27
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the welcome!! And thank you for the correction, I guess I didn't quite catch that when I was typing it. But it's good to know that someone else can catch even the smallest of mistakes. I appreciate that because even though it's just a simple thing, it can still help me grow as a writer. As for your personal connection, I am deeply sorrowed to hear that happen to you, I've had people who I thought I was really close with just suddenly drop me as well, so I can really relate to you on that one. Why do people choose to hurt via leaving without warning? I also agree on those favorite lines. I really love the entire poem, but those are some of my favorite lines as well. Thank you for the criticism and compliments on my work, and thank you for the very warm welcome that you have so graciously given me :)
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-06-24 06:40
I miss these streets of fire
Great couple of lines there. They really speak to me on a personal level. Your language is great and your style has a duality where you articulate your thoughts well and give them definite meaning but there’s room for the reader’s mind to form their own entirely different meaning. I really like that.
Tim
Jordyn Alyssa
Fri, 2022-06-24 14:20
Thank you so much, I really
Thank you so much, I really do appreciate your feedback, and the positive words, it really does mean a lot to me :)
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