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Dreamworlds

Submitted by Rosewood Apothecary on Fri, 2022-10-14 17:12

Rest your tired feet my dear
The night is close upon us
Gather now by table light
To take of thy sustenance

In the quiet, breaths draw slow
Stillness, calm, and tranquil
More dreams forgot than I can know
Forever trapped behind the veil

In sleep, I’ve given birth to worlds
I named them all in kind
Dragged away by morning light
Silent, swiftly, slipped my mind

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-10-15 10:15

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your language is good, I like the rhythm and the theme appeals to me, although I have the suspicion that this started out to be a poem to or about your wife. I really like the ending and the logic may be consistent, depending on who the poem is about.
If it is about your wife, I think that it needs something just before the ending, to draw it back to her. ~ Geez.
.

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Rosewood Apothecary

Sat, 2022-10-15 12:05

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Between my subconscious and my conscious mind. The subconscious being the wiser of the two takes a slightly condescending tone with conscious. Late afternoon and evenings are chaos in my house. Basically what happens with me is I hit the floor running around 4:30-5am. I can remember waking early as a child, then I had a morning paper route before school. I’m pretty much incapable of sitting or resting. My subconscious is urging me to turn it off, but I cannot because there are duties. When those duties are met and I sit or lie down in bed, I’m asleep in less than 5 minutes. I love the feel of the cold sheets on my tired ass feet. Cannabis has pretty much stifled any remembrance of dreams. It’s an odd piece for sure and was written whilst falling asleep.

Tim

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Geezer

Sat, 2022-10-15 14:38

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I understand now. How about you change the first line to say: "Rest your tired feet, dear Sir" The rest of it fits perfectly.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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