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Dream a Dream

Submitted by sueb on Mon, 2012-12-24 10:37

Wishing my life away, dreaming a dream
buying a lotto ticket, not just me
Imagining a win, the cat got the cream
Ah, pay me mortgage, buy a wee mini
Doing whatever I want, be a scream
A few donations, sort out family
oh wow, my life will be heading upstream
If only reverie was reality
all my old sins, I atone and redeem
old friends out of woodwork , a mystery
Suddenly remembered me, it would seem
Basking in luck, revelling in glory
Ah well, may as well dream here as in bed
try getting into black and outta red

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

the_fool

Mon, 2012-12-24 18:07

the_fool's picture
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could use a bit more depth. maybe more specifics? the things you would spend your money on are basic things anyone would do. what problem would you solve for what family member? what things do you want to do that would be a scream?
the rhyming and meter are well written so it feels more like an exercise in rhyme than anything else.
don't get me wrong, this took some talent to write. this is the first i've read your work and will be sifting thru more tonight.

nullus anxietas
t_f

sueb

Mon, 2012-12-24 18:57

sueb's picture

thanks a mil was meant to be light-hearted and i'm new to all this glad u liked have a merry christmas and a merrier new year x

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