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Distant (constructive feedback ws) Updated
Distant
when it began
I do not know
signs were there
they'd failed to show
road you traveled
full of holes
soul washed up
on rocky shoals
lack of feeling
in dead eyes
which speak to me
implicit lies
no longer caring
you confess
the draining of
all tenderness
you have become
a promise broken
leaving behind
a tale unspoken
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I appreciate all feedback.
Thanks, Cat
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-05-26 17:18
Thanks Mark,
I agree, the title did not fit well. I have now changed it. Good feedback!
always, Cat
*
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author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 10:49
Thank You Beau,
I made the changes you have suggested and I think it reads better for them. When it comes to shyme schemes I'm a real dunce. I didn't know I had used one! Maybe you could give a workshop on rhyme schemes? It all sounds so complicated to me. Thanks for the help!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-05-30 11:09
Dear Beau,
Yes, thank you! That makes sense to me :)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentDalton
Thu, 2012-05-24 18:36
Hi
I love the last lines
you have become
a promise broken
leaving behind
a tale unspoken
reveals I think the key to the poem as a whole. And I found the rhyme quite pleasing. ThanX for sharing.
John
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-05-26 17:19
:)
Thank you John!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentBryan
Thu, 2012-05-24 20:40
Nice read
It flowed well on the first read. There is a typo in the last stanza. I agree with Mark. While the subject is a cad I'm not sure s/he would be seen as ruthless (other than by the narrator.)
Thanks for the read
Bryan
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 10:55
Dear Bryan,
Thank you for reading my poem. I have changed the title and taken care of the typos. It is appreciated that you caught them and told me. I do so wish Neopoet had spellcheck for posting! I need a new keyboard,too, lol!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-05-25 04:02
hi cat
a really powerful write. I really like
‘lack of feeling
in dead eyes
which speak to me
implicit lies
in some spots I felt you could’ve continued the iambic,,, but the meter does construct a terse write – very suitable for the text,
just a couple of typos - ‘ caring in the fourth stanza, ‘promise’ in the last
I can’t find anything to crit as such, but this is just an opinion. sometimes I think we can have too much ‘less’. you seem to shorten your verses to the barest, and for me they sometimes lose a little of my empathy
lol – of couse many will disagree with me… but for example
‘road you traveled
full of holes
soul washed up
on rocky shoals’
just would appeal to my caring side a little more if it was more like
‘the road you traveled
so full of holes
your soul washed up
on rocky shoals’
just that tad bit less curt
btw, the stanza I quoted is my favourite
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-05-26 17:23
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your indepth critique. I will think of changing those lines you mentioned.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentNordic cloud
Fri, 2012-05-25 09:20
Not a member of the workshop
but I but in here, love from Ann.
At first I began to think this was a senryu, it could become one maybe.
I like its content, and the simple message of it is good.
The logic of it is perhaps slightly difficult to understand with the flow.
It starts as if in the past and comes into the present, but that's nothing negative.
promis=promise.
Its a super ending, the unspoken tale.
I have been audacious and written it out like this, then I can look at it in another way.
I changed some things, this you don't need to do, but that was my version of it;
it can easily be put back into shorter verses. Just playing dear Cat!!!
LoveAnn.
when it began I do not know
what signs appeared they failed to show
this road you travelled full of holes
your soul washed up in rocky shoals
the lack of feeling in dead eyes
which speak to me implicit lies
no longer caring, you confess
draining completely tenderness/ and drain me of all tenderness
bearing now a promise broken
you leave behind a tale unspoken.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:02
Dearest Ann,
I always like to see what changes you would make and new forms. Very nicely done! Thank you for reading and commenting!
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:09
Dear Lonnie,
Thank you so very much for your supportive comments and observations. I have been major sick all the long weekend with a virus. so it has taken me awhile to feel good enough to spend time on the computer. I went to the urgent care on Saturday and was given an abuterol inhaler to open my lungs. this virus hit my lungs and throat first and them moved into my head. Was told that two or three weeks will run its course.
always, Cat (the sickie)
*
When someone reads your work
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author commentRula
Sun, 2012-05-27 01:41
Hello dear Cat
Some cats told me you'd a bad cold :), sorry to hear that . Wish you do feel better now
I like your writing . Sad though , I hope it is all fiction.
I only see that no one mentioned the capitalization of the first 'when' Stanza 1
so thought may be you'd like to ...
why I loved this? In fact for many reasons..
1st it is easy to read, as it is well organized
2nd , it is just my cup of tea..It deals with human issues which are the concerns of
most of us , the poets..Much enjoyed :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:16
Dear Rula,
The Dr. said this virus should take two or three weeks to run its course. I think I am over the worst of it now. Thank you for your good wishes!
I very much appreciate all your observations and suggestion on this write!
:)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:01
dEAR cAT
I came to a swamp...
in this case
not entitled to comment
but ma'am Ann has stolen the show
by upgrading your poem
how wonderful a Lady
we all know .
I ain't no member here
I wanted you to know.
loved
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:18
Dear Loved,
workshop or not...you are entitled to comment! And you are most welcome, too! I love hearing your thoughts and ideas!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Tue, 2012-05-29 11:32
I know you do
but then
you are so wonderful,
let me not feel like a fool
showing candlelight to a sun,
in broad daylight
your poetry is par excellence
how I wish
I was a quarter of you...
LOVED
thanks Cat
loved
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-05-30 11:13
Dear Loved,
You are quite something on your own... you are uniquely YOU! And you are loved, too. thank you for reading my poems and leaving me such lovely comments!
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2012-05-29 20:52
Hi Cat
I like the way you used short lines to hurry the pace. Short lines also make it harder to find suggestions for change. But never fear I found One lol.Not so much a change as an alternative for line 5 : filled with holes. everything else I thought of would have lengthened a line which would not go well with this.............stan
Candlewitch
Wed, 2012-05-30 11:15
:)
Thank you, dear Stan!
always, Cat
*
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