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Destiny’s Train

Although we know not
The destination it is headed
We recklessly jump on board
Destiny’s speeding train
Hoping to escape the throes of the rain

Now here the train comes to a stop
Yet we cannot stay
The ground is overly hot by day
Like a volcano’s heat
Step after step, kissing our feet,
As we labour vainly without sit

The train comes to a stop over there
Yet we cannot settle
The weather is but a cold battle
Freezing our hard boiled bloods into stone ice
And our fleshes at the mercy of the frostbites

Destiny’s speeding train
Although it heads for the rocky region
Where the heat and cold birth the rain
And pour flood throughout the season
We recklessly jump on board without reason

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Though the theme is very good for a poem or two, you seem to have strayed from Rhyme and reason on the flow for this one, I think that a copy and paste to notebook and play with it for a while, the base is fine..
I do this with poems that are critiqued badly, I copy onto word or notebook and go at each line in turn then reinstate to Stream, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for your comment Ian T. I appreciate your continues advice
to my writes. I still have a lot to learn to improve. sometimes after a write,
it seems almost too hard to spot patterns and recreate. flaw in me. I know. lolz
like an earlier poem I posted titled "BROKEN HERO" I'm told to improve it.
till date I'm still trying to spin it around. I'll work on it. thanks again.

respects.

WonderGolly

What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol

author comment

you compare destiny
with season
I say life has no reason ...
but we ought to make it worth while,
till the end of the destined
sojourn..
for the meaning of sojourn
ask Ian...

loved

Is Badness! Got my Eye on You......

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

exactly the picture I tried to paint. thanks for dropping by and taking the time to read. thanks for the comment as well.
I looked up "sojourn" . think it can make a nice rhyme with "Surgeon." lolz.

respects.

WonderGolly

What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol

author comment

A surgeon on a sojourn may catch a sturgeon
So Caviare for a can of Peas, La La Sparrow

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

beautiful rhyming you have composed with the lines up there
and an interesting imagery at that.
I hope the surgeon goes with a couple of his friends
because I doubt he can handle the sturgeon all by himself. lolz

respects.

WonderGolly

What I love most about POETS is how they write SADNESS with SUNSHINE on their face, caption RAIN with FALLEN EMBERS and paint TEARS using the colours of WATERFALLS:lol

author comment
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