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Depths (revised)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Fri, 2012-08-03 11:47

Depths

Plunging...
Into the crystal clear pool
Many secrets hiding
Where the luscious sapphire water
Of lonely indigo yearning
Meets with aquatic forests
Of rich emerald velvet desire
to reveal a haven of acceptance
Where the starlit silence
Of her fairy childlike devotion
is pure and resplendent in a swirl of melding
This tide pool of loving...
The meridian of many an unchained soul

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
with special thanks to Weirdelf and Judyanne.
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

loved

Fri, 2012-08-03 12:17

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for simple folks like me
you have to send notes to read your blossoming mind
and in the greenery fields of poetic lure
Cat none know any more
for sure
as you alone know all..

loved

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-08-06 12:36

Candlewitch's picture
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You are generously kind to me.

always, Cat

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Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-08-06 12:38

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Thank you for your high praise.

always, Cat

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author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-03 15:24

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words used to total effect, and you know I value words.

Now, you know I'm not shy to crit, but I'm not sure how to crit the rest except as "too many adjectives".

I wish I could offer more constructive advice than to say "use less words"! Really, say what is happening without the cloud of adjectives.

If this doesn't make sense to you tell me and we'll talk about it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-08-06 12:42

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Yes you make sense to me. Could you read Judy's comments and tell me if that is more in line with what you had in mind?

p.s.

I always enjoyed chatting with you, no matter what the subject :)

love, Cat

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author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-08-04 02:58

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the main thing I would suggest here is to remove the word ‘beautiful’
lol – it is a pet hate of mine – poetry is supposed to describe it without saying it – if you know what I mean

the rest – perfect
great alliteration
‘plunging… crystal clear pool
… secrets hiding
Under the luscious sapphire water’

and visuals with
‘lonely indigo shadowed yearning’

however, where begins ‘Meets with delicious aquatic forests’ to me seems fragmented… the thought is disjointed somehow… not continuing with the previous words
I don’t know if I am explaining myself clearly
maybe if you change
‘Of lonely indigo shadowed yearning’ to ‘where lonely indigo shadowed yearning…’
also the gerund
‘Revealing….’ – I try to avoid them…. perhaps ‘to reveal’
and the end also is disjointed (to me I stress lol)

also, imo, you have used too many adjectives - they detract from the thoughts of the write (for me anyway)

I didn't want to re-write – but I am having trouble explaining what I mean – so here goes please don’t take offence at my rudeness…

Depths
Plunging...
Into the crystal clear pool
Many secrets hiding
(Where) the luscious sapphire water
Of lonely indigo yearning
Meets with aquatic forests
Of rich emerald velvet desire
(to reveal) a haven of acceptance
Where the starlit silence
Of her fairy childlike devotion
(is) pure and resplendent in a swirl of melding

This tide pool of loving...
The meridian of many an unchained soul

great ending btw
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-08-06 12:49

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I take all your comments and advice to heart and seriously consider them :) and I thank you for the time it takes to make an indepth critique. I always find your words helpful. But I am short of time at the moment and will, I promise, get back to this piece. It is important to me to make it right,as it is part of a manuscript.

love, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

BlueDemon77

Sat, 2012-08-04 03:21

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I often allude to "nightmare imagery" but this poem is made of "great dream imagery". It's bright, warm, and the form never distracts from your words or their meaning. Very nice work.

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-08-06 12:52

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Thank you for the comparison! Nice to see you. Thanks for reading and commenting.

always, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

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