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Dear Tomorrow
You'll never know my days spent with her
A time of simple days beneath the sun
That still exist
Down by the little stream, this side of the bridge
Unlike you, that never came
You wait, like a lost lover
But even just a little
You feel now gently pressing you on
For I dwell in the moment
I persevere the days between you and them
You are alone, but They are many
Compressed, repressed, occasionally addressed
Like the ink that slowly bleeds
staining my thoughts.
You are an inescapable dream;
a drop of wet on wet that bursts
Every time I wake
Sometimes forgotten, sometimes a bridge
That spans an aching want
Yet I always think of you.
Dear Tomorrow
Those many days my love and I were one
away to sylvan worlds beside the stream,
beyond the graveyard meadow bright with sun,
were steady death to you; a waiting dream.
As one where I divide you from the past,
through dying flowers' ink upon my mind,
where pain defines each moment you are cast
to wait, denied the days we left behind.
Until such time, your world remains displaced.
To essence nonexistent, you are bound
Yet, times, a long lost lover I embrace;
a bridge I search in hope when I am down.
And when I ache for comfort in your light
I long for you to breach the tomb of night.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This piece partly stems from a workshop we had here at Neopoet, where we were instructed to experiment with different forms around a central piece, "morphing" as it were.
I sure would like to see more workshops here!
Any grammar, punctuation tips are also welcome. Thanks
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Author information
Region & Country
Lake Simcoe Canada
Favorite Poets
Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel
Other recent work
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Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
Mon, 2023-02-20 20:00
Hello
I was really liking the free verse segment. It was a bit conversational and then sounded like corespondent. Then it was a really, really good sonnet.
I would use the sonnet aspect of this for educational purposes. I’m not going to say names but like this much better than sonnets by some of those names that this poet had to read in school and didn’t always enjoy. I enjoyed this. A lot!
I’m really excited about this poem.
Tim
Triskelion
Mon, 2023-02-20 22:05
Hi Tim
..I am truly elated by the exuberance in your comment. Wow! I was initially inspired by this month's contest posting, so glad now I continued pursuing the muse after jotting down some ideas, which I abandoned for other pursuits.
I'm looking for help with S3,L3 of the sonnet section. What do you think of
"Yet, sometimes, much a lover's felling grace"
I'm not happy with repeating "embrace"
Any suggestions are welcome, of course!
Thanks again.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Mon, 2023-02-20 23:56
We are gonna fix that
Ya know it didn’t slow me down at all and I read it three times. Now you’ve got me puzzled. I wanna get a better idea of what that stanza is meant to say. I’m thinking maybe re work those four lines.
I’m thinking,
(In my sleep)
Tim
Triskelion
Tue, 2023-02-21 12:30
Hello Ekaterina
Thank you for reading and commenting. It is truly appreciated. I spent quite some time working this over with your suggestions (and almost every word that rhymes) I appreciate your help. Your suggestions helped me to arrange my thinking.
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Tue, 2023-02-21 10:59
Dear Tomorrow
Hello!
"Yet, sometimes, much a lover to embrace;
a bridge I search in hope when I am down."
Words that come straight from the heart reaching outward. Wonderful. Your sonnet is so tight in rhythm and rhyme and perfect with 10 syllables until that very final line. Did you intend more than 10 syllables there?
Thank you!
L
Triskelion
Tue, 2023-02-21 12:38
Hi Lavender
and thank you for your wonderful feedback. Yes, I did intend to have more syllables in the last line. It seemed kind of dry without the word "intently". I thought it gave the line more punch. I realize it's not a true sonnet that way, but I will work on that last line and hopefully get the point out. Any suggestions are welcome, of course.
Thanks again!
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Tue, 2023-02-21 18:30
Hi, Thomas,
Hmm...so much in the language of your poem reveals to the reader just how deeply you feel, I'm not certain the word "intently" is necessary. It is so strongly shown and implied throughout the poem. But - it is the way it makes you feel that counts, of course. :) It is still a beautiful sonnet, which I believe to be the most endearing poetry form, and a perfect form for your very tender words.
L
Triskelion
Thu, 2023-02-23 11:35
Hi again Lavender
and thanks again for your input!
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Thu, 2023-02-23 14:14
Hello, Thomas,
Beautiful! (And I wonder how you feel having mastered the sonnet challenges so well.)
L
Triskelion
Sat, 2023-02-25 14:15
Dear Lavender
As you pointed out, the sonnet is an (the) ideal form for emotional musings. It's truly a challenge to compact a heartfelt message into 14 lines. (I'd say one could suppose stems directly from E.B Browning and others who dealt them lined with furious passion).
I wish I could relate my experiences with the same as well, so, it's no surprise that I gravitate to the form at as many opportunities.
I just never seem to be satisfied. Thank you for your words again.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentLavender
Sat, 2023-02-25 14:36
Hello, Thomas,
I feel the same way, always a bit unsatisfied. I think that when it's nice to revisit a poem later. But I have enjoyed reading your sonnet, and definitely feel its passion.
Thank you,
L
Seren
Tue, 2023-02-21 12:31
Dear Triskelion
What a wonderful work of art.
Is this meant for the competition because I believe you should enter it. Just go into the edit feature and select the Tomorrow is another day competition for this month.
Kind Regards Seren
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Triskelion
Tue, 2023-02-21 12:46
Thank you, Seren
Your comment really hit home here. I don't believe the sonnet would stand on it's own without the introductory free verse section, so I believe the line count would go over the contest parameters.
I'm not so interested in the attention as I am in being part of the community and I hope to inspire others to step up their game. There are so many good writers here and new writers that just need to try harder.
Thank you again.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Thu, 2023-02-23 11:55
I see you changed that stanza
I think that’s a bit more cohesive. Nice job.
Tim
Triskelion
Thu, 2023-02-23 11:59
Thanks Tim
..I always appreciate input.
Thomas
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.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
author commentleoferaco
Thu, 2023-08-03 15:07
thank you
Hi Thomas,
I really enjoyed the imagery expressed in this poem, I could almost hear the stream and feel the sun beating down. Beautiful words about a long-lost love. Thank you for sharing. Hope to read more of your work soon,
- leo
Triskelion
Fri, 2023-08-04 12:40
Hi Leo
..and thanks for your nice comment. As you can see, as a community, we evolve.
Thomas
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
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