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Dazzle

Submitted by Hannah Moonlark on Wed, 2020-01-22 17:14

Her eyes dazzle
Like the stars
Her voice is coated in moon light
Her face
Oh, her beautiful face
I can’t begin to explain
My insides turn to mush when I see her
Think about her

I just want to know her
To hear her voice
To see her face
To braid her hair
To talk with her
To love her

Why can’t I write a poem that’s not about her?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

c lynn brooks

Thu, 2020-01-23 15:59

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your poem in my opinion is a bit lacking in substance
for example I would use a word oter than slime as obviously this is a love poem and detracts from that emotion
your 2nd stanza is only a repetition of the first
with a little more deeper thought I think you may come up with a better write

Chrys

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Edna Sweetlove

Sat, 2020-01-25 08:23

Edna Sweetlove's picture

...that "slime" is the wrong word. How about "acid"? Or whatever. Anything but slime. UGH!

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Hannah Moonlark

Mon, 2020-01-27 21:35

Hannah Moonlark's picture

Thanks for the feedback

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