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The Day you left
The day you left,
All the colors of the rainbow became dead...
We said forever!
But Death became too clever.
I want to join you,
However death restrains my plea.
You saved me but now I'm in ruins.
The broken glasses...
I always feared will hurt me...
But as you lay in the icy cold hands of death...
My pain is my joy.
But why now?
Why did it become dark before the light?
Why did I smile before despair?
Why did happiness welcome me only to leave me in debts? I couldn't see you off.
You burn in flames for the last time beautiful as ever! Beautiful pain... Death denied me my wish...
Now I'm a walking corpse...
Roaming the earth to ease my despair!
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
It centers on a day when things felt dark, loosing someone. However, we know it's not forever.
Editing stage:
Contest:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2022-05-20 07:06
hello,
your title is okay, I cannot think of a better one right now to suggest to you. but the body of the poem in great! except, I don't understand these two lines:
The broken glasses...
I always feared will hurt me...
my favorite lines are:
You burn in flames for the last time beautiful as ever! Beautiful pain... Death denied me my wish...
Now I'm a walking corpse...
Roaming the earth to ease my despair!
I feel your pain in my chest and belly. it is intense!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Phaizee
Sun, 2022-05-29 19:02
I'm sorry, I have been having
I'm sorry, I have been having exams. I just saw these. "The broken glasses symbolizes pain". Thank you for your analysis. I'll work harder!
Yoonmin21
author commentRay Whitaker
Fri, 2022-05-20 13:07
Welcome to Neopoet!
looking forward to reading more of your work!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Phaizee
Sun, 2022-05-29 19:04
Thank you. I'll post again
Thank you. I'll post again with time.
Yoonmin21
author commentJackweb
Fri, 2022-05-20 14:16
Beautiful!
This is elegy! it contains the theme of mourning, loss and reflection.
Excellent! Keep it coming!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
Phaizee
Sun, 2022-05-29 19:05
I'll continue. I'm having
I'll continue. I'm having exams. Thank you!
Yoonmin21
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