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The cursed heart
My sun rises
My Moon falls
Hollow hearts cannot
The seas rock
The Sky sores
Trapped by my ores lock
Trapped by unforgivable light
No reflector for my sender
Everlasting light yet eternal blender
Forever in-sequence
Thy rusts stainless cords
Polar love the moon and the sun
The never-ending seas
Thy un-graspable heart
Denial shall blood flow
I a shady sight
You the sketchy sky
The everlasting cords
Shall never lie
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Ray Whitaker
Sun, 2021-11-07 13:44
Rhyming pattern
While I do like this piece, especially the portrayal of push the limits of entrapment…. I think there is more than one piece here. To me, there’s a lot to say about the “other” one in the relationship. Then there’s the trap. I would also have the rhyme complete in the same stanza.
Looking forward to reading more of your work!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Basically Deep
Sat, 2021-11-27 18:35
Thanks for the Advice! I'll
Thanks for the Advice! I'll take this into consideration for future pieces!
author commentGracy
Mon, 2021-11-08 10:46
Interesting poem. I also
Interesting poem. I also think it needs some modifications. It's as if it still needs filling out and perhaps some more imagery. Looking forward to more of your poems. Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
Basically Deep
Sat, 2021-11-27 18:36
I'll keep that in mind,
I'll keep that in mind, thanks!
author commentTriskelion
Sat, 2021-11-20 15:43
...needs...
grammatical and spelling work. Good luck, deeply.
.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Basically Deep
Sat, 2021-11-27 18:37
Thanks, next time I'll put in
Thanks, next time I'll put in through a spell checker lmao
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2021-11-29 07:58
I see...
in a vague genral way, where this is going, but have trouble seeing the definition. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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