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Cracks In The News
A string of words without a tale,
the voices drown in a sea of lies.
A hidden council pulling strings,
the truth denied or led astray.
I see the cracks that grow through time,
the gaps of queries, widen today.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
singapore
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Comments
Rula
Sat, 2015-10-24 13:37
Ah this media!!
It's only alluring ppl. I can trust only few channels. You said it quiet well.
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alidzain
Sat, 2015-10-24 15:02
Salam, Rula
glad you liked it. Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment. This piece is also my practice on iambic and anapest combo.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Sat, 2015-10-24 16:53
I'm afraid it isn't "poetic" enough for me.
An angry sentiment, but no beauty in the language. No pithy metaphors. I'm sorry Alid, I don't care for it.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
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alidzain
Sat, 2015-10-24 17:48
Wes
what about the iambic and anapest combo, does it work?
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Sun, 2015-10-25 15:05
No, it did not.
Too many liberties taken in the "meter", not necessarily the rhythm. It works as a rant which is actually a poetic form, but as poetry it did not satisfy me.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-26 13:11
wes
show me where I can improve in the meter. I told you this is a practice.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Mon, 2015-10-26 13:26
I would not attempt to change this.
The meter is so muddled (free verse, remember?) you will destroy the thing trying.
Start over with a new poem and pay the kind of attention to the meter that you demonstrated in the workshop. Your examples were superlative. Why not write like that?
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
Rula
Mon, 2015-10-26 14:49
I understand what Khalid
is trying to do. He is attempting the combination of iambic and anapest. Something I too wish to accomplish, but I understand it is not easy for someone deaf to music.
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alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-26 21:26
Salam, Rula
Hmmm. You got it but I'm going to wait for a few days before I decide what to do.
Alid
author commentThEdges
Sun, 2015-10-25 15:52
I agree with Wesley, but to
I agree with Wesley, but to critique it: The first two lines have metaphors, but the fourth one is fact. ..And I think the question would make more sense as: "So what we believe is not the truth?" (Of course what we believe *can be the truth--sometimes.) So to me, the last 2 lines pull it further out of poetry. Sorry ...
Best always,
Laura
alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-26 13:13
Hi Laura
I tweaked it abit. What do you think?
Alid
author commentThEdges
Mon, 2015-10-26 13:31
Hi alidzain--
It's better, but it feels more like an assignment paper about a problem, than a poem.
alidzain
Mon, 2015-10-26 21:24
Laura
Any suggestions?
Alid
author commentThEdges
Tue, 2015-10-27 00:04
No, I just think
that Wesley is correct. You just might need to start from scratch...
Best always,
Laura
raj
Mon, 2015-10-26 14:22
The theme is very relevant
The theme is very relevant Alid and I am absolutely sure that you will tweak it based on suggestions / comments of the learned members..
I am no good with poetic forms, rules, meters, iambs, etc. so I won;t be able to offer any suggestion, but I liked the theme for sure..
Regards,
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Thu, 2015-10-29 00:27
Salam Khalid
A string | of words |without |a tale,
the voic|es drown| in a sea |of lies
A hid|den coun|cil pul|ling strings|,
the truth| denied |or led |astray|.
I see| the cracks| here and there,
the gaps |of qu|eries, un|answered| today|
Khalid I did this scansion to show you where you went wrong. I think you need to work the anapest in the same place you worked it in the provious line and keep almost identical syllable count.
Try with another stanza and see if it shall work. I am still experementing it the way you do. :)
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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alidzain
Thu, 2015-10-29 09:00
Salam, Rula
Shukran for your help sis. I did some changes. What do you think?
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-10-29 17:08
Are you trying for anapest?
Because the poem is essentially iamb as Rula demonstrated. The below is one of only two anapestic feet in the poem.
"in a sea"
I liked the subject, but if you're trying for anapest it didn't work. Otherwise I liked the poem as is. If you want to write an anapest, start over. Don't try to change this one lest you destroy it.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Thu, 2015-10-29 17:14
Wes
I want to try a combo of iambic and anapest. I did it once for your meter workshop and I'm trying to put it into practice.
Alid
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2015-10-29 17:52
Those are the correct combinations.
Iamb and anapest work together. Iamb and dactyl do not.
You need more anapest to make a combination.
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
alidzain
Thu, 2015-10-29 19:14
Wes
after Rula's scansion, I tweaked it abit. I thought there's no more dactyl after that.
Alid
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