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COUNTRY CLUB
Wide watching green eyes dart around
a child among those getting grey with age.
At last allowed inside this club,
a first turning of my young life's page.
Sitting silent on a splintered bench
on a chill November day.
Father, uncle, older cousins,
brother, most now have their say.
The air is thick with drifting smoke,
hand rolled cigarettes, pot bellied stove,
but thicker with camaraderie
as the men tell tales, a treasure trove.
All gathered after morning's hunt
them drinking coffee, me a coke.
Kenneth got a six point buck!
"purest luck!" his friends all joke.
And I munch on saltine crackers
some with cold cuts, some hoop cheese.
Way back in nineteen sixty four.
A time now passed like errant breeze.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
eightmenout
Wed, 2016-03-16 23:59
Stan
Great (subtle) title.
Love the words and images.
It's just that the meter is just too rough for me to get in the flow. Especially with jumping back and forth between accented and unaccented feet to start the lines.
Think it has loads of potential, though.
Thanks
Scott
scribbler
Thu, 2016-03-17 17:31
Hi Scott
Yeah, it's pretty rough isn't it? but I figured I'd jot it down and post it before the muse fled lol. I'll keep tinkering with it............stan
Geezer
Thu, 2016-03-17 13:22
It wasn't me...
this time! I just laughed and said; " That's Stan for ya!" Got a hell of a rhyme there, but... I hope you do work this one a little bit, I love the tale of the elders passing down the hunting skills and tales.
~ Gee.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Thu, 2016-03-17 17:30
Hi Geeze
I just gave it a few little changes and expect I'll come back with others. Appreciate your dropping by......stan
Geezer
Fri, 2016-03-18 12:23
I like...
the changes and the story is still great and a bit better for them. Nice job as usual! ~ Gee.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Sat, 2016-03-19 20:30
Thanks Gee
I am always going over my stuff, new and old, trying for improvement. I'm pleased you think the changes here are for the better.......stan