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Lord please,
can you tell me
what it is I've done
to deserve the anguish
and loneliness
pounding like a drum
that enter empty ears,
and leaves me here undone,
longing for a better life
with family gathered round
I'd give the world to hear your voice.
the way it used to be
that we might sit and talk
if only in a dream
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This part is the hardest for me because I've been using a poetic voice to write with. I don't really know what to say.
Except thank you for reading this. I apologize if I have missed making a comment on anyone else's writing. I am still learning to navigate this process. Thanks for the advice it feels a lot better this way sir!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
South Ogden, Utah
Favorite Poets
Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2023-03-17 09:00
A prayer asking for relief...
a plea for the return of faith.
This is one of those times when we need something more to hang on to,
like a life preserver. Your title is good, the language plain and direct.
The pace is sedate, and the theme follows a well-worn path.
The attempt of rhyme at the end does nothing for the poem. If it is not a concious
effort, of what use is it? I would rather that it end with the line saying:
"I'd give the world to hear your voice
like it used to be, that we might sit and talk."
I think this has potential. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Leslie
Fri, 2023-03-17 10:08
Conversation?
I took your advice, but added a final line I hope it fits in well. Thank you Sir!
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2023-03-17 10:50
I like it!...
just that little bit of change gives it a better performance. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Leslie
Fri, 2023-03-17 17:21
Conversation?
Geezer, thanks for your comments and advice I feel a lot better about it also.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentLeslie
Sat, 2023-03-18 09:51
Moonlight Salvation
Thank you so much. I am more than grateful that you enjoyed this one in particular.
The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-03-19 08:34
You have
a great ability to portray some of the deepest, core emotions we feel as humans through your poetry. Well done!
~RoseBlack~