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Conversation?
Lord please,
can you tell me
what it is I've done
to deserve the anguish
and loneliness
pounding like a drum
that enter empty ears,
and leaves me here undone,
longing for a better life
with family gathered round
I'd give the world to hear your voice.
the way it used to be
that we might sit and talk
if only in a dream
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
This part is the hardest for me because I've been using a poetic voice to write with. I don't really know what to say.
Except thank you for reading this. I apologize if I have missed making a comment on anyone else's writing. I am still learning to navigate this process. Thanks for the advice it feels a lot better this way sir!
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2023-03-17 09:00
A prayer asking for relief...
a plea for the return of faith.
This is one of those times when we need something more to hang on to,
like a life preserver. Your title is good, the language plain and direct.
The pace is sedate, and the theme follows a well-worn path.
The attempt of rhyme at the end does nothing for the poem. If it is not a concious
effort, of what use is it? I would rather that it end with the line saying:
"I'd give the world to hear your voice
like it used to be, that we might sit and talk."
I think this has potential. ~ Geezer.
.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Aesthetic Night
Fri, 2023-03-17 10:08
Conversation?
I took your advice, but added a final line I hope it fits in well. Thank you Sir!
The only difference between a grave and a rut is that one has an open end!
Just keep moving, writing, whatever it takes! You've got it sussed!
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2023-03-17 10:50
I like it!...
just that little bit of change gives it a better performance. ~ Geezer.
.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place
Aesthetic Night
Fri, 2023-03-17 17:21
Conversation?
Geezer, thanks for your comments and advice I feel a lot better about it also.
The only difference between a grave and a rut is that one has an open end!
Just keep moving, writing, whatever it takes! You've got it sussed!
author commentEkaterina Alexa...
Fri, 2023-03-17 23:56
Dear Aesthetic Night
You have the ability to turn even the saddest topics into elegant poetry. You write beautifully. I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way- I am here if you need to chat Xxx
Aesthetic Night
Sat, 2023-03-18 09:51
Moonlight Salvation
Thank you so much. I am more than grateful that you enjoyed this one in particular.
The only difference between a grave and a rut is that one has an open end!
Just keep moving, writing, whatever it takes! You've got it sussed!
author commentRoseBlack
Sun, 2023-03-19 08:34
You have
a great ability to portray some of the deepest, core emotions we feel as humans through your poetry. Well done!
~RoseBlack~