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Contest #15 I Like I Don't Like

I Like, Didn't Like (Kevin)

I liked; his pretty pink skin
that burned easily in the sun.
I didn't like his short temper
like a rapid shot from a gun.

I liked that he was a carrot top
shone in the sun a head of red hair.
I didn't like his patience with me
monsterous, it gave me a scare

I liked his Harley Sportster
and riding on back with no hands.
I didn't like the bugs in my teeth
or sun in my eyes, or wind in hair strands.

I liked he said I rode like his laundry
without any sudden moves or demand.
I didn't like riding rough roads
riding through potholes or sugar sand.

I liked how we were in tandem
cruising through a big field
I didn't like how sore I got
but with time out, I healed.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

as though, there must have been more about Kevin that you didn't like. I see that you have adopted the second and fourth lines of rhyme. It is one that allows more freedom to make a better story, and that is why I use it more often than others.
There is a matter of a couple of lines, that I think you could shorten up
and make the rhythm better.

"I liked that he was a carrot top"

"shone in the sun, head of red hair"

shorten the word impatience to patience

"monsterous, it gave me a scare"

In other words, get rid of the fluff
the stuff that you don't need for your line to make sense.

Sometimes, you can use one word that says more than two,
to get your point across.

Say it out loud, think about how to write the line.

Even if it doesn't quite say what you did before,
sometimes a modification can make the difference of how the line reads.

"but with time out, I [mostly] healed.
I liked this, it just needs a little trim. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

and I agree with Gee; shorten the lines by getting rid of anything superfluous, and re-writing where you can.
Good poem, though.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thank you, I think I have it fixed now. thanks for your input.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Seemed to have more cons than pros. Sounds like there is more to his story. I like how you described the motorcycle ride, it made me think of riding with my uncle as a kid. I would agree with Gee and shorten some of the lines just a bit but overall really enjoyed the write.

~RoseBlack~

I knew you would intuit it out! he hit me once and I knocked him on his @ss with one punch... the look on his face was priceless! I'll see what I can do with some of the lines. thank you.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I used to put up with it and then learned to fight back. The look of shock really is priceless. Glad you set him straight. I don't think I like Kevin.

~RoseBlack~

Kevin was highly intelligent but he was a phony. He also was a bully. he had a job as a bartender. one night when he was off duty, he came into the bar to visit the bartender on duty. he made one of the patrons angry, then jumped behind the bar to protect himself! you wouldn't have liked him.

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

I have no tolerance for phonies. Hopefully you weren't married to Kevin. Such a pain in the @ssets to get rid of them once that happens.

~RoseBlack~

no, I didn't marry him,just lived with him for 2 years. that was bad enough! besides, such an EGO can't be tied down! and he was always mooning over "the one who got away!" he broke off with me. but we lived together for a couple of more months. we needed the time to get organized to split up... saving up for the deposit on the rental, finding a new place and organizing the move. then we were friends for awhile. he had run me down so bad that my self esteem was in tatters. So I swore off men for awhile and went to school. got my GED and sat for the entry exam for Northwestern Electronics Institute. found that I needed to brush up on Math, so I did, and retook the exam for a two year degree. Got my Associates Degree! was thinking about joining the Air Force. I gave myself a few months to think it over. moved in with a classmate (male) who was another ego-trip. then met Steven and the rest is history... what was your male ego maniac like?

*hugs, Cat

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Similar to Kevin...still hung up on ex wife

~RoseBlack~

don't they just wear you out!?! should nominate the woman for sainthood LOL!

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When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Remind me to never anger you as getting back off the floor is not as easy as it used to be lol. I'm late getting here and the useful critique has already been done. I Do disagree about the rhyme scheme being easy though. It's easy in a short poem but difficult to maintain in a long write

i don't hit people who make me angry. I try to talk and reason it out. I do hit people who hit me first! as my daddy taught me "always let them through the first punch", LOL! thank you for dropping by, it is always great to see one of your comments on my poems!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment
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