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Communicate This...
Sparks that struggled before burning bright
Particles streaming from blackened holes
Just faint specks of speeding light
Prickles of waking from numbed souls
Solar flares, big, bright and bold
Frozen truths brought to vision
Asteroids lonely, dark and cold
Great ideas, and the odd collision
Elliptical orbits, light years long
Gravity, pulsars and cosmic rays
Blazing comets, come and gone
Super novas, brighter than days
This universe, us, we human-kin
Lost in space, but found in love
Essence of heart, flies with the wind
Amongst the stars, that shine above
Looking for life in the void out there
Suns and planets, in the "Bio-Zone"
We have so many things to share
Things that may, be just our own
Compassion and love, for a start
Risk, adventure, and joy of life
And some things, dear to each heart
Like guns and bombs, and a real sharp knife
Jealousy and deception; human stock-in-trade
We have plenty, we'll give you some
I wonder if ..... they should be afraid
Well, ready or not, here we come!
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Somehow, although this was meant to be a poem about the love and joy of people communicating thru the internet, and Neo. It was as though something took over, and the end got twisted from what was, to what it is! Anyways, I liked it so much better this way, that what you see is what you get! ~ Gee
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
New York State - USA
Favorite Poets
Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2010-12-08 14:03
Thanks Xena...
I'm so glad that it didn't spoil it for you. I don't why it it turned out that way, but I'm pleased at the way it did.
Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Gee x
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author commentHooded Stranger
Tue, 2010-12-07 14:35
Gee
Gee,
I am so pleased it took that darker twist at the end...it was poetically beautiful to start with and then you gave it some real punch!
Great tight rhyming sequence, and delivered without feeling forced.
I think vision and collisions...needs to have the 's' removed from 'collisions'...just to make it a perfect rhyme like the rest of the poem, maybe a tweak is needed. This is just an alternative version for consideration:
Solar flares, big, bright and bold
Frozen truths brought to vision
Asteriods lonely, dark and cold
Great ideas, and the odd collision
Obviously it lacks a chorus and bridge!! Lol!
I really enjoyed it my friend,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Geezer
Wed, 2010-12-08 14:06
I like your...
suggestions and will implement them. Thanks HS. ~ Gee ~ P.S. Feel free to write a bridge and chorus. I'd be really interested to see what you come up with.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentHooded Stranger
Thu, 2010-12-09 14:55
Gee
Gee,
how could I turn down the opportunity to write you a chorus?
Please note the correct spelling of 'Asteroids'.
----------------------------------------------
Communicate This
Sparks that struggled before burning bright
Particles streaming from blackened holes
Just faint specks of speeding light
Prickles of waking from numbed souls
Super Highway dragged into demise
The virtual warfare slowly multiplies
Solar flares, big, bright and bold
Frozen truths brought to vision
Asteriods lonely, dark and cold
Great ideas, and the odd collision
Super Highway drenched in lies
Corruption rife in virtual disguise
Elliptical orbits, light years long
Gravity, pulsars and cosmic rays
Blazing comets, come and gone
Super novas, brighter than days
People hidden behind flickering screens
Most are genuine, but many are fiends
Identities hidden so you can't be sure
Their masked faces are too obscure
People hidden, behind flashing screens
But who is really behind the scenes?
Identities concealed with such ill intent
Forced to filter out, those well-meant
This universe, us, we human-kin
Lost in space, but found in love
Essence of heart, flies with the wind
Amongst the stars, that shine above
Super Highway dragged into demise
The virtual warfare slowly multiplies
Looking for life in the void out there
Suns and planets, in the "Bio-Zone"
We have so many things to share
Things that may, just be our own
Super Highway drenched in lies
Corruption rife in virtual disguise
Compassion and love, for a start
Risk, adventure, and joy of life
And some things, dear to each heart
Like guns and bombs, and a real sharp knife
Jealousy and deception; human stock-in-trade
We have plenty, we'll give you some
I wonder if ..... they should be afraid
Well, ready or not, here we come!
kind regards,
HS
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http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Geezer
Fri, 2010-12-17 03:13
I don't know...
where my reply to this comment and wonderful chorus went to, but I want to make sure that you know what a pleasure it is to have you respond to my work so well. I loved this, and can hardly wait to see what we might come up with in the future, should we really co-write something. Thank you so very much, [ Correct spelling of asteroids noted]. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author commentHooded Stranger
Fri, 2010-12-17 06:01
Gee
Gee,
I knew your feelings about the chorus via PM, so I knew you were happy about it.
I keep missing comments too, and I end up checking through my old posted work and find somebody else who has commented and I didn't know about it!
As you know, I am going to include this piece on my website as it was an honour to co-write with you and I will be proud to have it within my site.
In 2011, I hope we can do another...a Killer & Hood poem/song.
Kind regards,
HS
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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.
Kailashana2
Tue, 2010-12-07 14:45
I love it when we follow our
I love it when we follow our muse, never know where s/he leads us.
In this case, an about face, hup two three, four, why make peace when we can make war!
~A
Geezer
Wed, 2010-12-08 14:08
Yes...
I followed my muse, and she took a new orbit ! LOL Thanks, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2010-12-07 16:55
communicate
Perhaps the reason we haven't heard from 'Them" is their fear of us lol. I enjoyed this a lot but have a few alternates :
l-19 so many things to share
l-20 try may just be
l-23 try dear to each heart
just a couple of ideas..................scribbler
Geezer
Wed, 2010-12-08 14:26
After some careful
After some careful consideration, I decided to implement some suggestions by HS, and Scribbler.
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author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2010-12-08 15:15
with sparks of thought that fire the pistons of life
Oh Sir Gee you make me fall and spin
and orbit space, watching all around me as I go,
and in awe of it all,
this is a truly shooting star poem,
with sparks of thought that fire the pistons of life
with wonder and excitement.
I fear we have little weapons compared
with the great wide universe
and its arsenal of hidden powers,
if we unleash this..... we are but toys.
Well put my knight of the realm.
From your erstwhile Queen Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Geezer
Thu, 2010-12-09 07:46
Thank you...
my Queen. I was trying to show the vastness of our universe compared with the smallness of man. It seems that we are too big for our world, but too small to put aside our differences. When we do have contact with another civilization, I fear that they will shun us for our xenophobia. ~ With love, ~ Sir Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2010-12-09 11:31
Dear Sir Gee,
I loved the way this piece unfolded and the twisty ending. I fear you may be right about the situation. Favorite lines:
Jealousy and deception; human stock-in-trade
We have plenty, we'll give you some
I wonder if ..... they should be afraid
Well, ready or not, here we come!
love, Cat (and eddy, too!)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Thu, 2010-12-09 13:00
Those are...
my favorite lines too! I often wonder if we might see the advent of contact with another civilization from the reaches of space, before my time here on this earth is over, but I know that they are out there! I think that if they are watching us, they are mightly afraid that we are too aggressive and xenophobic, to deal with. I mean, if we can't get along with the differences of human kind, what makes us think that we could get along with a being that doesn't look at all human?
Thanks for the read and comment. Love and hugs, [handshake for Eddy] ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentloved
Wed, 2010-12-15 16:01
A small creature like me
dares to intrude
but i withdraw
such lovely poetry
i can' afford to saw.
loved
Geezer
Thu, 2010-12-16 12:26
No small...
creature are you! Thank you for the read and comment. I'm glad you liked it! ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentloved
Thu, 2010-12-16 17:26
I am A Creator
On Triond they don't publish
Any other article of mine
Elsewhere
Unless i send it for publication through
Authspot only
They publish
And
So i have made a handsome amount
Of perhaps dollars forty
Maybe less in 1 plus 10 months
That’s not less
Over 3450 poetry now i guess
So when i like
I comment
And if i like it more
I compose a poem
It’s for the recipient
I suppose to accept or dispose
Thanks to y'all slang,
Not good at it
www.triond.com
lovely honey
loved
mand
Thu, 2010-12-16 12:49
Excellent!!
I love the science - and a real twist at the end. And the end! "Well, ready or not, here we come". Be scared, be very scared universe - the monster human race is on it's way!
Enjoyed reading this poem and the rhyming is perfect! well thought out.
Love Mand xxxxxxxx
Geezer
Fri, 2010-12-17 02:46
To paraphrase...
a well known character from an old T.V. show, and a new movie, " I love it, when a poem comes together". I had a little help from a couple of our poets here, and their critique, and it was just the thing to help make this what it is. I love being able to get the feedback from Neo. Thanks for the thoughts and praise, love ya, ~ Gee xxxxxxxx
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2010-12-17 03:06
I'm not sure...
if anyone saw the parallels between Neo. and the poem, but I tried to show what I see here at Neo. [ Not that I think there are monsters here at Neo.] I think that you are the only one to mention emotions, and that makes me think that I was on the right track. My muse and I thank you, Love ya, ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentGeezer
Fri, 2010-12-24 15:02
Yes, I know...
There are so many people who have come and gone, [like comets] temper tantrums, [solar flares] and I guess you get the idea. I love Neo. and all the people here. The last stanza, was my muse, sticking her two cents in. She's a lovely soul, just a little cynical. My love to you and yours this holiday. Higgest bugs and lotta love, ~Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentXavier Sleuth
Tue, 2021-07-27 14:14
This one's pretty cool-
Not so good at appreciating the pretty imagery myself.
But I'll send this one to Thal.
She'd like it.
Thx 4 posting.
-..- -..- -..- -..- -..- -..-
Xtremely busy Xponentially becoming Xcellently at Xactly _____
Geezer
Tue, 2021-07-27 15:35
Yes...
do send this on to Thal. I can't thank you enough for all the reads and comments, it makes me glad to know that there are new poets coming to the site, that appreciate my work. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
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