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Clarity, Life, and Sadness (Blue)
Calm and clearest skies
Deepest ocean too
Reflections on a glassy lake
Guide me towards what is true
Veins of living cobalt
Often like to pray
Make their gods of sapphire stars
Before meandering on their way
Twisted by the journey
Anxious to embark
Plunging over precipice
Loudly dashed upon the rocks
A turning in the story
Truthful still, but sad
Changes in perspective now
Have got you seeing only bad
Ask the saddest jester
This tune, he knows it too
Needs to feel the deep despair
He blankets all his songs in blue
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
U.S.A.
Favorite Poets
Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Walt Whitman. I’m enamored by the work of lyricists such as Robert Hunter, John Barlow, John Dyer Baizley, and Tom Marshall just to name a handful.
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Comments
Geezer
Fri, 2022-07-15 19:25
Water, the stuff of life...
I like the way it figures prominently here.
The last line of the first stanza could be tighter; with [what's true]
I'm not sure of what the line: Veins of living cobalt; means?
How about [wandering on their way]? one less syllable
The rest is spot on!
I felt the calm of the lake, the sereneness of the ocean and the
falling, splashing of a waterfall! Even the blue of the jester
made me feel cool on a hot day today! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-07-15 19:37
Veins
Cobalt is a semiprecious metal. It has a blueish color. Veins are kinda blue too. It’s a metaphor for rivers.
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2022-07-16 07:46
I get...
that line now. Just wasn't in the right arena! Thanks for the explanation. The meandering line now has nine beats, the line I have suggested, has eight.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Sat, 2022-07-16 09:44
Slurs
In music we have notes strung together with slurs. When I read meandering I’m really kinda saying me-an-dring. I was a musician for 7 years before I started any kind of writing. You’re absolutely correct though. I have a bit of Mark Twain to my lyrics in that it’s almost never “going to” it’s almost always “gonna”. “Pourin” not “pouring”. I will concede if read properly it’s cumbersome. It’s definitely the product of my blue collar upbringing.
Thanks again for reading, commenting, and your general awesomeness,
Tim
author commentGeezer
Sat, 2022-07-16 13:17
My awesomeness...
doesn't count here! This is your spot to shine; and you certainly did! I agree, that colloquial language means everything in cases like this and when you are writing for the home-town crew. Now, that I've been properly informed as to the inflections
and rhythm of this piece, I agree whole-heartedly! Kudos and salutations! Bruce Forever!
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2022-07-15 19:45
I’ll give those edits a thought
There’s a few last lines of 7 syllables and a few of 8. I kinda like the flow that way. If I find a word I like for meandering (I over use it) I’ll make the swap as long as we get 7 or 8 syllables.
Thanks for reading and for the suggestions,
Tim
author commentRoseBlack
Sat, 2022-07-16 08:24
Blue
Great write. I like the flow and the story behind the color. Blue has so many purposes as you hit on with this poem. My favorite lines are:
Ask the saddest jester
This tune, he knows it too
Needs to feel the deep despair
He blankets all his songs in blue
:)
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Sun, 2022-07-17 07:33
dear Tim,
I really liked the same lines as RoseBlack. excellent poem as is!
ever, eddy
always, Cat
*
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Depressed 1
Wed, 2022-07-20 01:59
Me Too
I also liked the last lines. They were so vivid to me.
https://www.artofelpaso.com/