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Cinders
Lightning flashes
Across an argentine sky
Thunder ripples
Quaking, beneath his feet
He pauses in his work
To gaze at the impending doom
Thrusting the shovel
Deep into the dusky earth
Her face was like porcelain
Minus the leaden complexion
As he lifted her from the box
His perfect little moppet
With tear stained cheeks
A sea of remorse
Ran down his mug
As he held her to his chest
The essence of rigor lingering
As he stole one last kiss
Ashes to ashes
And dust she would become
If only she hadn't fought
When he told her, they were one
He begged her to stop crying
The noise, it drove him mad
She screamed for him to let her go
Made him tear up her dress
Now she laid
In a makeshift grave
Beneath the silver moon
He wiped the sweat from his eyes
Walking away, he heard
A mournful sound
Clasping his hands to his ears,
He shouted to the ground
Won't you ever die???
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words:
Two stanzas are intentionally five lines
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2022-07-12 23:18
Shades of...
the "Tell-Tale-Heart"!
I think you need to capitalize [A]rgentine,
unless you mean tangerine sky, as in the Beatles song.
Typo-alert: [fought]
All-in-all, a great poem to post for Grey/Gray.
I wonder at the common theme for these colors, maybe we will get
some brighter, more exciting [instead of chilling pieces] as we come to
the other colors? Hmmmm... ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Tue, 2022-07-12 23:34
Hi Geez
Argentine is another word to describe grey so I'm not sure if it should be capitalized. I have been using a thesaurus to find other variations of the words. I have a feeling I'm going to be moving on to other colors now..five days left and five more colors. I am thinking of searching for some different colors to change things up. Thank you for catching the typo. I did this on my phone and it tends to change things on me!
~RoseBlack~
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2022-07-13 09:02
Must be...
that Google hasn't caught up with theasaurus yet. I Googled it and came up with nothing for it being a color. Yes, the phone does that; something about the programing I guess. A tip taught to me by our dear departed Sparrow [Ian] At the end of your message/comment and before your signature, you can leave a full-stop and then hit enter, another full stop and it will separate your signature from the rest. ~ Geez.
.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-13 09:13
Good to know
I was wondering how to correct that. I will find the online thesaurus I was using and show you where Argentine is listed.
~RoseBlack~
author commentRosewood Apothecary
Wed, 2022-07-13 04:10
Tell tale heart
Indeed. There are reverberations of Poe in this work. The subject yes but the style too, the meter is very Poe.
Tum
RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-13 05:59
Hi Tim
When I was writing this, I wasn't even thinking of Poe
He is my favorite poet so I suppose he is always in the back of my mind as I draw inspiration from his works. Thank you for your input.
~RoseBlack~
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2022-07-13 07:45
dear Rose B.
I see and feel the shade of Poe, too. I bet if he were here he would lift his flask to you for a fine poem. But...since he isn't, I will do so instead!! Lol! or a cup of coffee... might fine poem you've writ! favorite lines are:
A sea of remorse
Ran down his mug
As he held her to his chest
The essence of rigor lingering
As he stole one last kiss
morbid and morose! I love it!
i love poe, too especially the Raven &(Annabell Lee) sp?
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-13 08:00
Hi Cat
Thank you for the words of praise :) I am always thrilled when my works spark a positive reaction and even more thrilled that you think Poe would be pleased. As always, thank you for your thorough review.
~RoseBlack~
author commentJackweb
Wed, 2022-07-13 09:55
Nice form!
I envisage the great charming power of expression upload. I liked your title and your language usage. The flow was good and carried the poem right along.
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
RoseBlack
Wed, 2022-07-13 10:05
Thank you Jack
As always, I appreciate your insight and feedback. I have been exploring different words in place of the version we use every day. It seems to add a different life to the poems.
~RoseBlack~
author commentJackweb
Wed, 2022-07-13 11:10
Hi Rose !
You really explored very well. And it gave a color to your poem.
.
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb