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Cauldron (by: eddy styx) (help requested)

Submitted by Candlewitch on Wed, 2017-03-15 11:49

Cauldron
by: eddy styx

slowly it began to turn
a ball of madness
sanity on the burn

violence on every page
perversions wedge
to great outrage

humanity on the edge
and open windows
mounting the ledge

to plunge into fiery hell
to demons grasp
on the sounding bell

From scripture they'd been told
would redeem them from
Hell's fire bold

where was this bright shining lord
the one the fanatics
all truly adored

now nowhere in sight
on the precipice
of their darkest night

could it be true the scripture lied
out loud in vain
the people cried

great evil has taken the land
to its burning end
despite protest and demands

and so it ends on a sad note
of the reprisal
with no one left to gloat

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I especially would appreciate help with the ending of this poem. thanks in advance!
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

swamp-witch

Wed, 2017-03-15 12:51

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I didn't know you were back on the site! It is so good to see you. I will be back to your poem as soon as I can.

Kelsey

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swamp-witch

Sat, 2017-03-18 16:53

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I would say that I am little confused by this stanza:

From scripture they'd been told
would redeem them from
Hell's fire bold

Here I'm expecting to see who it is that scripture says will redeem them, I know it's addressed in the next stanza, but the order and the way that the line goes from "been told" to "would" makes me want a name/noun/something here. Maybe something like "been told / who would redeem them from" would even work to fill that idea in to prep us for the next stanza.

Some ideas for you to ponder for the ending:
Is it just a sad note? Maybe a stronger word or phrase here than "ends on a sad note" because "sad note" doesn't seem to match up with the burning damnation and protest of the previous stanzas..

What is the connetion to the title, Cauldron? Maybe refer back to it at the end?

Who is not left anymore to gloat? The people being protested against? The people protesting?

Hope these ideas helps. I'm so happy to be reading you again and so happy to see that Eddy is still at it!

Critique, don't comment.

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Keith Logan

Wed, 2017-03-15 22:56

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sorry, I am tired at the moment so I simply made a few small adjustments in the hope they might help you think afresh. By the way, I agree with Jerry about changing the tense this starts with. Oh, a fond hello to Candlewitch, please don't be a stranger.

Cauldron
by: eddy styx

slowly it began to turn
a ball of madness
on the burn

violence on every page
perversions wedge
to great outrage

humanity on the edge
and open windows
mount the ledge

then plunge into fiery hell
to demons grasp
on the sounding bell

From scripture they'd been told
would redeem them from
Hell fire’s hold

where was this shining lord
the one the fanatics
all truly adored

now nowhere in sight
on the precipice
of their darkest night

could it be the scripture lied
out loud, in vain
the people cried

great evil overtook the land
to its burning end
despite protest and demands

and so it ends on a sad note
of the reprisal
with no one left to gloat

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Keith Logan

Thu, 2017-03-16 08:57

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I felt compelled to excuse myself because when my brain is clear I always prefer to put forward reasons and explanations for what I write and not offer a take-it or leave-it scenario.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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