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The Bright Moon (Meet The Masters WS)

The Bright Moon

The silver moon stands,
alone in the night sky
as clouds drift away

-------------------------------------------------------------

Original :-

The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to

Masaoka Shiki

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

Like how am I supposed to critique this? You know me and haiku.
I fear I like the language structure better in the original, but truly I cannot tell the difference.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I wish I can tell you but I'm clueless as you. However chrys has given a good one.

Alid

author comment

you followed the technical rules of a Haiku to the letter
but in re writing

1- ,much of the original wording still remains
2- you almost lost the idea of the poem itself

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
try this on

The radiant moon
puzzled by where they have gone
to where have they flown
or something like that

give it another stab

I love writing Haiku

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

a question. so do I have to change the title too?

Alid

author comment

what's the difference between haiku and senryu?

author comment

what's the difference between haiku and senryu? I thought haiku has a "human touch " to it but I can't find it in the example you gave. perhaps you can point it out? mmmm. I admit that I am a bit struggling with this.

Alid

author comment

any more in this age they are pretty much interchangeable
one used to pertain to nature the other objects
Haiku now deals with the elements of nature
so I would think my Haiku meets that criteria I could be wrong. So much in writing has evolved in this modern time

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

I think you could have used some modern lingo.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

such as? Remember English isn't my native tongue and the people I know around me speaks more singlish than english.

Alid

author comment

emoticon smiles
where is that intimacy
gone like sentiment

oh, traditionally haiku and senryu do not have titles.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

that you have lost the original idea of the poem.... where have what gone?

I think using a haiku was your downfall here ... there's so little to work with
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

The original is beautiful. A master for sure. It is really hard to recreate this. It is not traditional Japanese haiku or senyru 5/7/5. I know many poets don't do traditional Japanese and have written from their own perspective. It's ok bc I notice the original 3/6/3
Like Jess says haiku and senyru don't really have titles. As for this original it's a mixture of haiku and senyru. I'm wondering where the clouds are flying off to makes it senyru as a person is telling the story n
Original :-

The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to

Masaoka Shiki

To make it a haiku, not going by tradition, I might say

The sliver moon
is standing still in mid heaven
clouds flying off

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

in the japanese language it is the usual 5/7/5. The one portrayed here is the translated version in English. I've done some edits. The exercise is to rewriite the master's poem in a more modern way. Tell me what you think.

Alid

author comment

I think it's beautiful and well written. I think you captured what chrys wanted. I'll need her approval to say that lol.

The Bright Moon

The silver moon stands,
alone in the night sky
as clouds drift away

Original :-

The bright moon
I wonder where the clouds
are flying off to

Masaoka Shiki

Good haiku here. Since the original is not strict Japanese format but 3/6/3 and we're doing modern poem.
It's chrys workshop so I'm looking to hear what she think of my critique on your haiku and if she agree or not. It's just what I think based on what I understand from the comments here and the syllabus instruction correct.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

thanks Barbara.

Alid

author comment

I this the revision is beautiful and it had pass the taste of the English version I think. I have no suggestions as it flows well by me. It is haiku in my opinion.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

You might notice the original contains a subtle "twist" ,which I am given to understand, most good Haiku do. Your poem lacks this but a very few minor changes could fix that. Enjoyable read nonetheless..........stan

I'll think about it. Right now I'm abit tired so I'm gonna rest.

Alid

author comment
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