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Blacked Out...

Ebon, anthracite with tint of blue
Velvet black and obsidian too
Darkest space with no light
Immersion tank with loss of sight

Absence of stars, in a stormy sky
The black and blue of bruising eye
Deepest ocean with phosphorent fish
All hope lost, no chance for a wish

White is all colors, none diminished back
No light comes through this crazy crack
So suck my life, vampiric redact
No light reflected, is our black

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Tough one! I thought this would be easy, but never anticipated the hurdles of finding rhymes to go with; other than back, smack, rack etc...
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lack attack. whack track sack snack knack hack flack etc?

what an amazing poem...cannot choose favorite lines!

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I was just trying to emphasize the problem of thinking of lines to rhyme. Thanks for the read and comments! I am so glad that you liked it! I know that although it's similair, it's not my usual kind of work, and I was a little apprehensive about a couple of lines. Hugs from the boys, ~ Geez.
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It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
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author comment

Wow you just keep getting better and better. Love this poem. It's where I am right now.

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

I hope to hear that for the rest of my writing career! I want to improve and be more in touch with my reader. Anyone can write big, long, impressive looking poems, but connecting with the reader is the important part. I hope that you start feeling the spirit of Neo. now that you are back. I'm sure that reading all of the great works that people are posting will get your muse in the mood. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

I sure hope so. There are some darn good poems being posted hope my work stands up to them. WWill be writing real soon. Therapy is almost done
Luv Ya Thanks for sticking by me all the while

Chrys

check out our chat room open to all 24/7

Geezer beautifully penned. I love how you brought the descriptive analogy of darkness and the colour black. My favourite lines were:

Absence of stars, in a stormy sky
The black and blue of bruising eye
Deepest ocean with phosphorent fish
All hope lost, no chance for a wish

Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "

I have had lots of practice in giving anologies of black lately. It seems that the general population is in a funk. The Nation is wondering what happened to the "Red White and Blue" Whatever happened to neighbors helping neighbors, people wanting to do the "right thing"? and all the things that have made America great in the past? We are still here; we have not gone away, but we are tired of fighting about the things that should be left to the people, not organized religion, or the the rich!
I love your signature, and was wondering if that is an original quote, by yourself? ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Hi Geeza, your comments are 100 per cent facts indeed. Deep perspective inculcating the colour black. Thank you for the compliment. Yes, my signature is indeed my quote, I wrote it myself recently. I also write quotes, but I am trying to merge the poetry writing with the quote.

Candice Vitalien
"Keep glowing even if no one can see your light.
For among the hidden stars on the darkest night
Someone will look up and behold
The flickering hope; words untold;
Strength and Honour my Warriors! "

All black. Damn good job. “Vampiric redact”. Stupendous.

Tim

that I could count on you to find that one intriquing! It came to me in a vision, that I remember seeing in a comic-book about a vampire and the script was redacted like you would see in a top-secret document. Yeah, really! The comic-book was in some Slavic language and I couldn't read it anyway, but I found it very interesting that some of the dialogue was blacked out. I have no clue where that book is now, but wish that I had it. Anyhow, I'm glad that you liked it and found it to be worthy of your time. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Write regarding all things black. The vampire reference at the end really nailed it. Your flow, rhyme and language excellent as always

:)

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

of my favorite people from the Darkside! I'm thinking that if we get enough people together that are interested in dark subjects and want to get together, we might be able to resurrect Chat on The Darkside! A simple chat about all things dark and spooky!
Maybe once a month, to give people time to work on something and something to look forward to. Everyone could take a turn, bringing up a subject and discussing it. Anyhow, thanks for the great compliments, and I will continue to work hard on bringing the best I've got. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Very much like to participate in another chat from the dark side. Once a month would be great!

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

Wow! Just... Wow!

Those few words and comment, makes it worth the time spent. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Very well done! I can appreciate the difficulty of composing this.

one suggestion, S3L1 add two words
White is all colors, none more diminished than black

I might have misunderstood your intention with "none diminished back". somehow you lost me on that.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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all the colors reflected back to you, while black is all the colors absorbed and not reflected. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Absence of stars, ???? in a stormy sky

Stars are never absent
it is only the storm
that veils
HOPE Judgement does prevail.
Wow how happy I am
you wrote a gem of a small poem
I could say
yummy yum yum
GEE
I'll stand besides thee

lovedly. I have one a couple of contests, but I'm not counting. I just love the competition and the challenge of writing something that resonates with the reader. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

Well done!!!

Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

I draw inspiration from all my fellow poets here; I don't do this alone. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

On your win. This is one of my favorite poems of yours. Never redact the “vampiric redact”. Lol an awesome modifier and great word withdraw. Upon reading it again here I love it even more. It’s quick and doesn’t waste time getting the points across. It is deserving of the praise.

I really like this one
Tim

go out to you, and all the others who give me ideas that I can steal. I would not be the writer I am today, without all of you.
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

you deserved to win!

*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

to win, it is because I have such a great platform to write from and the people who inspire me. I couldn't do it without you all.
~ Geez.
. Big hugs to you for letting me steal your idea and run for the border with it! I think this is going to be a big success!

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

This was a killer one. Congratulations.

impressed with how much you are impressed! Thank you again! ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment

I can see I have been left in good hands. Wow such fantastic word play. A true strength for you.

I guess I have picked up a thing or two. I have been here on this site for about thirteen years, never felt the need to go anywhere else.~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

author comment
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