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BITTER AND SWEET (rhyme patterns SS)
O the wonders of the spring
all the song birds perched to sing
a wasp just stung me on the ass
I've got to cut the freakin' grass
With flowers blooming everywhere
I've more than enough love to share
pollen swells my nose and eyes
new fire ant mounds which I despise
Ladies' fashions become spare
belly buttons and midriffs bare
along with men's knobby knees
plumbers' butts shine in the breeze
The cold of winter days long gone
'ere long pleasant weather will be done
replaced by heat (now that's a bummer)
and unrelenting southern summer
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Geezer
Thu, 2012-08-09 22:33
The meter falls...
off a little here and there, but it works well when you just read it out.
1] maybe you could say in the 2nd line 2nd Q: I've got enough love, I can share
2] How about leaving off the the first word of the last line of the 4thQ ? [and]
3] 2nd line: [Soon] pleasant weather will be done
Good theme, as usual. ~ Gee
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scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-10 07:56
Hi Gee
I think I like most of your ideas and will edit later today..............stan
author commentjudyanne
Fri, 2012-08-10 00:51
i don't know stan
you want me to write 'bad' poetry for the shop, and you don't??
this is sing-songy to an extent, but the text fits the feel - and isn't really much different to your usual submissions.... and i wouldn't call them 'bad'
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-10 08:00
Hi Judy
Thought I'd kill 2 birds with one stone. I dug out a poem I wrote a while back but never posted because I though it a bit singsongish. It's not so much I want bad poetry, we just need stuff easily improved upon with a SS quality for the next stage........................stan
author commentIan.T
Fri, 2012-08-10 03:33
Stan
As this is just the intro piece to rhyme for this workshop it is fine, we can sort out proper writing as we progress but this as it is shows all we need.
Yours Ian.T
PS:- Since I had solar panels fitted in March my meter reading has gone down by two thirds, is this bad for poetry ???????????
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-10 08:02
Hi Ian
I bought a hat with a photovoltic cell hoping to energise my writing lol.......................stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2012-08-10 08:04
Hmmm.....
This makes 2 who think it's not SS enough. I'll see if I can do better in edit later today..............stan PS not sure whether making something more SS should be referred to as better lol
author commentRula
Fri, 2012-08-10 07:51
I am sure
that the rhyme fall is intended for the sake of the workshop
and the rhyme sceme is great indeed!
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scribbler
Fri, 2012-08-10 08:09
Hi Rula
As I said above this is a piece I'd already written that I thought might be a good one to use here. I guess I'm the only one who didn't write a new poem just for this shop. But then I probably have a lot more old rhyming stuff to choose from than most. I'll do an edit later today to make this easierto work with later on................stan
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