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BETWEEN SUMMER AND WINTER
The last ragged leaves of green
are turning now to gold
on the boomer generation's tree
as all save I are getting old
with things which hang unevenly
Our autumn has slipped up on us
as summers fade into the past
quickly becoming old folks' lore
as children turn adult too fast
let's go check out the Scooter Store *
So we'll pretend we're in our youth
with lifted jowls and small sports cars
gymn memberships (and all those aches)
while ignoring saggy arms and scars
all done for vain denials' sake
Alas our autumn's passing fast
and winter always follows fall
before it clearly comes in sight
let's enjoy the autumn ball
before the final fading light
* Scooter Store : a store which specializes in motorized scooters for the elderly
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
judyanne
Tue, 2012-09-04 03:02
I’m sorry stan – the mm is
I’m sorry stan – the mm is here
if you are going to play with rhyme schemes, imo you need to be extra careful with the meter
I really didn’t enjoy reading this, as I wasn’t able to concentrate enough on the text and subtext due to what I found to be a very jerky write
The meter in the third and fourth stanzas did improve though
Now, would you please go check out exercise 3 for the critique workshop, so as we can move it along a bit. Thanks
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Tue, 2012-09-04 09:03
Hi Judy
just the 1st run on a subject I've been thinking of. I know it needs and will receive either a bit of work or maybe even rewrite . They're predicting heavy rain to day so maybe I'll get a chance to get back to that slave driver's shop lol...................stan
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-09-10 08:25
so much better scribbles
great edit - and so little needed to be done- shows that if a poem is even slightly off, it spoils the whole thing
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-10 18:19
Hi Judy
It's those little things that make the difference. You know I purposefully wrote badly just to give you something to do don't you?............................................I also have a bridge for sale lmao...............stan
author commentloved
Mon, 2012-09-10 11:39
as all save I are getting old?????
how totally untrue ...
add on the dawns of 2012
and you will know
ur an added plus year old
when i read it
i enjoyed it
ignorance of metre inches and kilometres
make me blush
and so my blood does rush
i too have clicked another dawn
and the Golden metal...
has risen
so as i have little...
i collect the golden autumn leaves..
want some help
call me please ...
loved
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-10 18:21
Hi loved
LOL. I look around at old classmates and think
Boy have They gotten old" then try to avoid mirrors lmao.................stan
author commentloved
Tue, 2012-09-11 00:14
great vision yours my dear Stan....
i have no mirrors
I see my narcissistic reflection
by the canal
hahaha
lollololol
loved