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BEAUTY WITHIN

Submitted by Luckscribe on Fri, 2022-05-06 13:57

As a brave oak
Dancing with the breeze so gracefully
sunrays caress her beaming smile blissfully
And as she dig out her glittering hues of tensile strength
An elegant goddess that does enthrone
And she has been envied on so many traces of old
For she would cry all times to be served gold.
Even with her coated facade and dazzling make ups
All glance failed to figure her build ups,
Ah! The strength she pushes to stand bold
Is truly a tale of beauty within to be told.
During the worse of racist's storms
where her wards were drowning in a suffocating norm
She found the lane to voice in a cage of foul hubs.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Race_9togo

Fri, 2022-05-06 16:25

Race_9togo's picture
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but it needs some work.
I like the title, although its a bit cliched,
your rhyming is generally good,
and I like the theme.
My criticism is mostly gramatical, as in line 3,
"And as she dig out..."
'dig' should be 'digs',
and there are others too.
Apart from that, try to eliminate as many superfluous words as you can, as well, and this poem will improve immeasureably.
Hope this helps.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Luckscribe

Sat, 2022-05-07 01:37

Luckscribe's picture

Thanks so much
i will do just as you said
Am grateful

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2022-05-07 06:09

Candlewitch's picture
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welcome to Neopoet, it is very nice to meet you. may your experiences here all be good. Race is a great poet and is wonderful at critique. he has said what needs to be, and there isn't much else I can say. may you enjoy your time here. I would love to hear what you think of other Neopoet's work!

*hugs, Cat

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