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BEAUTY FLASH
Why is a woman's shapely figure
set for spotlight
their attraction gives
a great aesthetic pleasure
I'm now staring
a lissome scintillating lass
in a bank lobby
my eyes began to survey
I'm now taking mental photographs
capturing all her body features
her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision
I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria)
Favorite Poets
Late Christopher Okigbo, Wole soyinka, Maya Angelou, W.H. Longfellow, John Milton, W.B. Yeat.
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2022-04-11 19:08
There are...
just a couple of changes I'd like to see you make.
I don't think that the word you want is [glaring] the word is usually associated with anger.
maybe, you might use [staring]?
How about instead of using [premises], you use lobby?
Instead of using [symmetry beauty attacks my visibility] try:
Her symmetrical beauty attracts my vision.
Leave out the line [yet I extol her virtues all around her]
it doesn't add anything to the poem. Maybe say: I love everything about her.
[thin air].
The rest is fine, and I think that your title is good, the rhythm and pace just so and it flows well from beginning to end.
~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jackweb
Tue, 2022-04-12 06:23
Ok
Thank you so much Geezer!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2022-04-12 10:05
Nice job...
I'm glad to see that you paid attention and made some changes. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-04-12 07:40
dear Jack,
it is good to see that you employed Geezer's change suggestions. good title, on this poem of attraction. it flows well and the language usage is good. these are my favorite lines:
I love everything about her
I'm now emotionally suspended
love hanging in the thin air
a summary of love and lust
good work!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Tue, 2022-04-12 10:57
Thank you Sir
Ever since I encounter you in neopoet I am becoming more better in poetry. You are the over all eyes that sees here. Or should I use this metaphorical statement... " The sky eagle that always sees from afar! Your mastery of English usage in poetry is second to none. There's no correction given to me here will I ever take for granted.
Secondly, Cat you're also on the same page with geezer. Even whenver you first gave your corrections Geezer has nothing to object. Your intellectual chemistry truly are the same. I use this medium to say, thank you so much for your precious time to give corrections. Not everyone can do that here.
My regards!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
author commentCandlewitch
Tue, 2022-04-12 11:04
I am...
so very happy that I can help you. in helping you I am learning how to critique poetry. I really enjoy your poems...and to be put in a category with Geezer is a very strong compliment for which I thank you! keep on writing!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Tue, 2022-04-12 14:15
Thank you
Infinite thanks both of you!
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
author commentRay Whitaker
Fri, 2022-04-15 13:42
Dude!
You have described a woman who has a body of perfection and truth. You randy guy, you! HAHA
nice work here. I hope you are describing your wife, or if not, then hope that she never reads this...
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Jackweb
Fri, 2022-04-15 18:05
Hahaha
She doesn't go through my poems. Ray you nailed it. That just it. But I'm not a randy man. As a poet you know; we express our feelings at any point in time. Thank you Ray
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
author commentRay Whitaker
Sat, 2022-04-16 10:27
Was only joking here
and chose the word "randy" as I thought it more "English [UK] english" than horney! Sex is difficult to write about in poems, I think,
I meant no offense, my friend!
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Jackweb
Sun, 2022-04-17 08:41
Hahaha
Ok. Noted
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
author commentJackweb
Sun, 2022-04-17 08:41
Hahaha
Ok. Noted
"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".
~Jackweb
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