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Awakening
Awakening
Rosebud of desire
blooming
hotly centered
in spirited passion
awaking from her dream
still looming
languidly
stretching dainty limbs
silky laughter
on soft full lips
the warmth of her voice
fills him
with all the vibrations
echoing of
strains of silken laughter
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
another poem for the manuscript, "Mirror/rorriM" Pleas don't hold back in your critique, I need the truth. Thanks, Cat
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Northwestern Wisconsin USA
Favorite Poets
Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda and many more.
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Fri, 2012-04-13 14:49
Cat,
It is a beautiful write, but for me I think it needs something more that I can sink my teeth into. the illustrations are indeed incredible, but the aliteration is not what I've been use too from you. that's just me sweetie, I like getting lost in both the words and imagery and few do it as good as you.
my favorite lines that moved me:
"silky laughter
on soft full lips
the warmth of her voice
fills him
with all the vibrations
echoing of
strains of silken laughter"
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Candlewitch
Sat, 2012-04-14 16:39
Dear Eddie,
Thanks so much for your opinion and suggestion as they are highly valued. I will work on this after a few more people have read it, to see what they suggest for changes and additions.
:)
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2012-04-14 16:47
as usual
a great write cat
i really enjoyed the emotion
would love to see 'hotly centred' removed
then i would think this perfect
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Candlewitch
Sun, 2012-04-15 13:55
Dear Judy,
Thank you for your suggestion, but I think I won't rush into making a change, yet. Steve (my husband) said he likes that line, when I consulted him. I'll wait until I get a few more opinions. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated and welcomed.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-04-18 11:19
Dear Lonnie,
Thanks for your continued support. You are very generous.
always in appreciation. Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentNordic cloud
Sun, 2012-04-15 07:11
Very sensuous
The rose still dripping her gown
onto the green sward
has awoken and is blooming
with colour and flare
that strikes velvet kisses on our cheeks.
silken laughter and "silky laughter on soft full lips"...I can't take,
its "too much tea." For me anyway.
Could be fiery centred judyanne?
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-19 10:28
Dear Ann,
Thank you very much for reading and commenting on this piece. Comments and suggestions are very important to me as this is for a book of poetry titled: "Mirror/rorriM" by c.m. Mattison (me) By the way I love what you have written here!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2012-04-15 16:13
Cat,
I have come back to this write a few times and you know what I am wrong in my first comment this is perfect as is. sometimes I think I over think it. (too many workshops) Hahaha!
My apologies!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-19 11:45
Dear Eddie,
Thank you, very much, for coming back for a second read. I am honoredm and I value your opinion.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRoscoe Lane
Sun, 2012-04-15 17:36
Cat,
Cat, i believe Eddies correct with his second answer don't change a thing. It's perfect. Love Roscoe...
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:03
Thank You Roscoe,
As per your request, I won't change a word! Much appreciated!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentMDT
Tue, 2012-04-17 15:01
...
mrs candlewitch, i like this one, for the use of words and imagery create a nice short little snapshot film in my mind..like a gif. I like the first lines
Rosebud of desire
blooming
hotly centered
in spirited passion
awaking from her dream
still looming
languidly
stretching dainty limbs
:)
Peace love and harmony light the path we must take. - MDT
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:28
Hello MDT!
I had such a nice time chatting with you, and sharing thoughts and facts, yesterday! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this poem. I really appreciate you telling me what you liked about it.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentloved
Thu, 2012-04-19 15:56
As usual off the track it's always loved
the ecstasy expressed by rose buds
desires unfurling in the morning dew,
the lovers eyes await for her silkiness true
and
caresses the sweetest lips
how I wish we all do
to express a pint of happiness
a burning desire at the warmest mornings welcome.
I ain't any poetic material,
but dare to induce pearls of wisdom,
hope in a friendly way you will take it
As you always do.
loved