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Awake Entranced

Walking the half mile. a whiff of rain
pelting like vanilla wafers.
Doors are always a cause for anxiety
Night turns black like Mamba venom moving.
Ideas of what to do begin to swarm like
black tornadoes whirling me.
There is no way the reminiscent lock is engaged.
I see peach candles flicker out.

On lips chaffed waiting for me
she is there looking at the knocks
of rusty knuckles like black and blue rainbows
that fade like an old record that survives like steel I beams.
She is soon a ghost of palm trees and coconut,
a memory of the Gulf and a motel room.

It's 3 AM and Home is a
stale cigarette, smoke rings adrift.
The phone rings feeling like the touch of 110 AC.
It is her with her ruby red innocent voice,
recalling just like me.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content


Here's an attempt at a short critique. When I decided to look through the lonely poems, I was surprised to find a few of yours there, so here's me correcting that.

Love all the imagery here, the message, the title (especially with entranced being a word we don't see much these day). It's avant garde and much enjoyed by me. I don't have to "get it" entirely to enjoy it, which makes some of my favorite poetry. I can feel the loss, and can sympathize, but can only understand it to some degree; I haven't experienced much loss in my life.

If I may make two suggestions:

mambo --> mamba

A little bit more internal punctuation would go a long way for the flow of the poem. In particular the following lines were jumbled for me:

Black tornadoes whirled me blushing
There is no way in the lock is engaged


Critique, don't comment.
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