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Autumn in Five Pieces

The tomato plants performed well this summer past.
Fruit given up weeks ago, the dead,
dry stalks are waiting patiently for the pruner.

Now cold, the lake receives a woman wanting
a final baptism before winter comes.
The sweet sting of goose flesh raised in the crisp air.

Canada geese are flying south -- their clarion honks
trigger deep response in those that raise their head.
A chorus of complex emotions ripple out in their wake.

The crunch of frost laden leaves sound strange to
summer feet. Though less free, hiking
boots feel so much safer than sandals.

A cold weather stew bubbles on the stove. Savory steam wafts
into the air, enriched by summer tomatoes. The empty
canning jars need cleaning, but they can wait.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Experimenting with a different style...
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Autumn is a somber mood for me and it seems
that the entire world is getting ready for winter.
There are a couple of places that I think are a little
awkward and can be easily fixed.

1] the dead, dry stalks are waiting patiently for the pruner. [get rid of the without judgement]
2] The sweet sting of goose-flesh [raised] in the crisp air. I can't see the feeling of [chiming]
3] The empty canning jars need cleaning, and I need some ambition to start.

All in all, a good solid theme and worthy of a little tinkering. ~ Geezer.
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Thanks Geez... I am liking this style of self-contained stanzas that contribute to a wider theme.

author comment

that you chose to work on your poems and make them better; rather than just take the criticism and leave them lying. Of course, I like that you used my suggestions, but I am more thrilled, that you made a change of your own and made it better!
Great job! ~ Geezer.
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is how I become a better poet. The way I write poetry is so much different than how I did it just 5 weeks ago when I joined Neopoet. I mean, I had just returned to poetry anyways about 2 months ago, having dabbled in it in high school and my twenties. But frankly it was earnest and not fully formed -- some of it almost good. I have always been a pretty good writer, but this time with poetry I am loving the longer timescale it takes to slowly craft a poem into better and better shape. Poetry has gone from a cathartic release exercise into a careful crafting of a higher art.

author comment

to hear that you are making poetry and your work more than a cathartic release. [Although I hope that it never stops being that for you]. I am confident that you will improve steadily and enjoy writing it more and more through the years. Your muse will strike you at odd times and sometimes run off and go walk-about as most poets find out sooner or later; but don't be too alarmed, it will always come back and make you proud. ~ Geezer.
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This poem is just pure beauty. I was able to get a picture in my mind of all you described. I do enjoy your writing. What I would suggest is to give your title more of a punch, it is so easy to pass over

Chrys

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Thank you Chrys for your words and your suggestion. I have just renamed the poem "Fall into Five Pieces"

author comment

yes I noticed .good title it shows your creativity

Chrys

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the title sets the reader to better understand that this is a near random collection of autumn sights and thoughts

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