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Aristocrat rat

identify the black and white cat
a double-dealing acrobat
See the fat aristocrat rat
a feline tooth and a bony supper
rat - a - tat - tat
the mouse never fools the black and white cat
for he licked an upper
and encounters a flutter
the claws of another
The shrill of a fat rat supper
Tit - for - tat
oh arrogant bobcat
oh splat splat splat
The aristocrat rat
with a miry pelt
and grandiose dark pebbles dealt
Identifies the black and white cat
The bobcat with the chit chat
And of goes the aristocrat rat
scat scat scat
Oh, rat - a - tat - tat

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Hello, Killer Bee,
This very much reminds me of vintage children's nursery rhymes which were usually dark in nature as well as merry in sound and rhythm. The food chain, the superior being is well captured here. The rat-a-tats and tit-for-tats add a great dose of arrogance and aristocracy.
Thank you!
L

I like the sound and rhythm as well as the battle between the cat and the rat. Nice work.

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Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

I do like this one, it is engaging.

I have a few suggestions. These are only suggestions… the is a workshop site…
—Keep to the rat. You use a mouse in a place there, and i found that inordinate.
—asking your readers to identify something in the first line may put off some. I’d remove the command, and put something like “see”
—i’dpull “bobcat” and replace it with “tomcat” for continuity
—find some line breaks for stanzas within the piece. For example:

identify the black and white cat
a double-dealing acrobat
See the fat aristocrat rat
a feline tooth and a bony supper
rat - a - tat - tat

the mouse never fools the black and white cat
for he licked an upper
and encounters a flutter
the claws of another The shrill of a fat rat supper
Tit - for - tat

oh arrogant bobcat
oh splat splat splat
The aristocrat rat
with a miry pelt
and grandiose dark pebbles dealt

Identifies the black and white cat
The bobcat with the chit chat
And of goes the aristocrat rat
scat scat scat
Oh, rat - a - tat - tat

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