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Another Jack And Jill

Jack and Jill loved each other so
They climbed a hill in the snow
Jack slipped and hit his head on a stone
He split wide open his skull bone
Jack lost his footing, and his brain too
Jack died; there was nothing anyone could do

Jack's remains were buried in just two days
Nothing ever grows where Jack now lays
Jill would soon follow that Jack did know
Because Jill always went where Jack did go

Jill always went wherever Jack did go
Jill climbed to the very top of a tree in the snow
Jill climbed to the top of the tree to jump down
Jill's neck broke as soon as she hit the ground

When Jill hit the ground, she died instantaneously
You see, Jill was where she precisely wanted to be
She was put six feet under the soil, and snow
Because wherever Jack went, Jill did go

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
The real story of Jack and Jill
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

This is hilarious. Well done!
Steve klepeis

Thanks Steven

author comment

This is hilarious. Well done!
Steve klepeis

This is hilarious. Well done!
Steve klepeis

This is hilarious. Well done!
Steve Klepeis

This is hilarious. Well done!
Steve Klepeis

Sounds like something I might write. I liked this one. Funny, yet somber. I guess people who are depressed can write funny stuff. I hope you decide to write some more of this funny stuff. In order to keep the meter a bit better, you might want to put a couple of commas in where the natural pauses are; you did in some instances, but not all. ~ Geezer.
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Thanks Geezer. I just got Grammarly and it is supposed to take care of all that.

author comment

That's what my dad gave me and my twin brother; Jackweb and Jackjill. The title itself brought a lot of flash back in my childhood days when my father was alive.
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"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Thanks Jackweb

author comment

That's what my dad gave me and my twin brother; Jackweb and Jackjill. The title itself brought a lot of flash back in my childhood days when my father was alive.
.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

Reminds me of some of the twisted fairy tales I used to write. I really enjoyed it and hope to see more like this from you!

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Join in our collaborative poem workshop. Each member will have a chance to write two stanzas at least four lines each. The stanzas must be relative to the poem.

Thanks RoseBlack

author comment
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