Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Android ( a co-write with Hooded Stranger)

Android

I touch fire, but don't feel the burn
I witness love, but don't feel the yearn
I have 20/20vision, but still cannot see
I'm trying to be human, but never will never be

I am a robot in a human suit
I exist but frozen in permanent re-boot

Is this what it feels like being detached?
Alienated and separated from existence
Am I so indifferent to be excluded?
When all I ask is to be included

I'm just an android
Of feelings totally devoid
I may have human form
But all connections are destroyed
Burnt out, null and void

I'm just a humanoid
of emotions totally devoid
I may have a man-like form
But emotive circuits aren't deployed
Burnt out, null and void

I can talk, but I don't comprehend
I try, but my humanity is just pretend
No longer trying, system overload
It's time to give up, my time to fold

I am a robot in a human shell
I exist but my brain is a worn out cell

Is this what it feels like being detached?
Isolated and removed from existence
Am I so indifferent to be precluded?
When all I want is to be included

No correction towards my perfection
No objection towards my dejection
No selection towards my rejection
Pull the plug, sever all connection

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Chrys,

I thought you'd be Jess's hardest critic...but we have both survived! Lol!

Thanks for reading and commenting...your daughter ain't bad at this poety game is she?...we know who she gets it from.

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Chrys,

you are most welcome,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Hi,

An android is a fantastic metaphor for loneliness and isolation . Great use of language and imagery.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Lou,

the Android idea was Jess's. I wasn't sure that it would work but I like a challenge, and it came together much better and quicker than I had imagined. Jess is very easy to work with, I hope she says the same about me!!

Thanks for reading and commenting,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

This is different, it is difficult to imagine the robot even wondering at its existence, but given the metaphor, that is real, and some may feel such alienation at times, when we feel like automatons ourselves, repeating tasks and never truly engaging in life.

Love Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Dear Ann,

this is a different piece and it was Jess's idea...you know me, darkness and sorrow, but we still managed to give it a dark feel even with the Android metaphor.

I have recently read the Dark Tower by Stephen King and there are androids in that story. They seemed to lack all connection with real people despite being built in human form.

Thanks for reading and commenting,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Thank you all for the feedback and comments. Dan was a blast to work with. I really wanted to see what he could come up with that was dark, but still on an Android theme. It didn't take very many tweaks to make it a masterpiece! There is one point that he brought up, and I'm wondering if other folks feel the same - is the flow a little off on the first stanza, last line? Dan wants to change it to read: 'that I'm trying to be human, but will never be'. Agreed?
Thanks again for stopping in to read and comment, and thank you Dan for being such a great fellow to work with. =)

author comment

Jess,

I really enjoyed working with you on this one...a masterpiece?...maybe! Lol!

It will be interesting to see what opinions we get about that last line of stanza one.

The co-write went like a dream...you have been an angel to work with...and hopefully this won't be the last of our co-writes,

kindest regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

An interesting, slightly melancholic write.

Something about it reminded me about the movie "A.I. (Artificial Intelligence)" which, as I recall, almost had me in tears when I saw it some years ago. About an android who wants to be loved... wants to be human...

Coming back to your work, I think it still needs a little work in bits like

I'm just a humanoid
Of feelings I am devoid
I have man-like form
But my circuits aren't deployed
All circuits null and void

which feel a little rough to my ear, but has some wonderful lines too like:

So is this what it feels like to be detached?
Alienated and separated from existence
Am I so indifferent to be excluded?
When all I ask is to be included

As regards the last line in V1, I'd go with Dan's choice. As a fellow songwriter, i agree with his instinct on FLOW on this line.

An interesting piece in what memories and feelings this one evoked in me...

Psyve

Psyve,

many thanks for taking time to read and comment on this piece.

I watched 20 minutes of A.I. before leaving the cinema...the little boy looked like my son and I was going through a divorce at the time and the whole thing was too much...I don't know how it ended...but I think I will watch it now as the divorce is done and see my son often.

I see you picked out the chorus as a little 'rough to your ears'. Is it just the word usage or the way it flow? I have made a very basic demo and those lines work well within the tempo, so I am guessing it is the word usuage that may be the issue.

Thanks for the support to the line change. That's one-nil to me at the moment...Lol!

I want to use this line somewhere, part of which was removed from the original (rightly so), but I am wondering if it could form the chorus that you identified:

I am a robot in a human suit
I exist but frozen in a re-boot

Not sure where it can fit in but the idea came to me just now whilst reading your comment. I'll wait and see what Jess thinks.

Anyway, really appreciate your comments,

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

What do you think of Scribbler's suggestions? Is there a way to incorporate them, as well as the little section you've come up with? I agree with Psyve's flow observations.

author comment

You are very welcome.

To answer your query, it was the usage of words in the chorus, more than their actual flow, that I found a little rough.

Pleased to know this one's a song in the making. Would love to hear it whenever you are ready to share... even if it is a rough demo only.

Cheers,

Psyve

Psyve,

Jess & I are looking at the chorus and will see what we come up with.

regards and thanks for all your input,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

greetings to you both
does an android with feelings really have them or does it just have programed reactions which mimic them.And does it make a difference if the mimicry is done well enough. Headache time lol
I have a few ideas beginning with stanza Psyve referred to:
I am just a humanoid
of feelings totally devoid
I may have a man-like form
but emotive circuits aren't deployed
their circuits all are null and void
L-3 I have perfect vision.............
L-4 swap never and will
L-5 delete so and to, change be to being
L-21 try My humanity is just pretend
L-44 tell scribbler he's too late to the show lol.................scribbler

Stan,

Jess & I are looking at your suggestions - thanks for the comments.

L-44 - you weren't too late to the show!

Regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

My general feeling is that this piece is about a person who feels as if they are no longer connected to the human condition and has begun to nearly fantasize that the reason for this is that they are indeed built incorrectly to function within society no matter that they look like everyone else and thus are expected to behave and feel like everyone else. There is a classic alienation going on here with a nod toward what makes this possible in the modern world, machines that act human but contain no emotion.

With this in mind I’d like to see the poem structure and pacing emphasize this. Remove the contractions, formalize the meter, basically bring the level of communication to the point where it feels like it is being delivered by a machine rather than a hurting soul and have the last stanza leak emotion for juxtaposition.
To take the first stanza, “don’t” or “do not” is a more passive way of expressing negation. I’d look at “cannot” to solidify the concept. With line two, I believe “perfectly” is a better representation than “20/20 vision” if only because humans are not perfect and this allows us to immediately set a tone. Additionally, “have” and “try” do not feel strong enough in this stanza, so I am suggesting “scan” and “strive” respectively. With removing all contractions, adding more formal language, and finding a more formal meter, in this case pentameter, here are some suggestions.

I touch the fire, but cannot feel the burn.
I witness love, but cannot feel the yearn.
I scan perfectly, but still cannot see,
I strive to be human, but cannot be.

For the last stanza, I generally like it but feel the ending is not final enough. I want more of a conclusion, more of a punch in my gut. So, taking a look at it, I am bothered by the word “towards.” “Towards” is a positive word and I feel a more negative word might fit better here. In this case I am going to take a cue from the last line, which is tetrameter+1. An uneven meter can create an unconscious sense of discord and for the last stanza I believe the entire thing might scan better with the structural discord to aid in the mood of the words.

No correction mars my perfection
No objection mars my dejection
No selection mars my rejection
Pull the plug, sever the connection

-------------------------

As usual, please feel free to ignore anything that is not useful for the direction you two are pursing. For those following along, this critique is not criticism, merely ideas I have and my offering my ideas is not intended to be insulting. A heartfelt critique is a compliment because it is offered without rancour or expectation. It is like making someone a cup of tea, you do it because you admire them or the effort they have put forth.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I thought we'd cracked it with this one...but it pains me to say I agree with every damn observation (I liked it when you were away! LOL!)

Ok, looks like Jess & I have more work to do.

Your opening paragraph is spot on and is definetly where Jess & I placed this piece.

The thought of the words being spoken by the Android is very useful...it reads exactly as we wrote it...as humans. That may be a tough assignment...but valid.

We were offered the use of 'Perfect' ( by Stan I believe) in that second line but decided that an Android would use 20/20 vision...I can hear C3PO saying it now!

Scan & Strive are much better words...simply the words of the Android. I think maybe we needed to step out of our human box and step into the world of the Android. The problem being we were human, feeling like an Android...but we need to find some common ground I agree. This will be a challenge indeed but Jess and I are keen to make this one as perfect as we can...so thanks for the idea.

The final stanza seemed fine at first draft but I see your view about the positive element...can't say I like the word 'mars'...but I agree an alternative would help make the final stanza sharper and more complete. I think the word 'mars' makes me think of the planet Mars, and I don't want an alien attatchment to this piece...that said, this a co-write so I need to to speak with Jess. Maybe the word 'impaires' would be a good alternative.

Really appreciate the time involved to critique this piece, I know both Jess & I will take on-board your comments and see how we can improve the piece. So a big thank you Jonathan for your time.

Jess, we need to speak!!

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

Sorry gents, Internet has been giving me quite the runaround.

Spot on with the observations for motivation and intent! I, too, am in full agreement with your suggestions. Am on board with changing 20-20 to 'perfect' or something similar, maybe 'flawless'? For the closing lines, I was trying to go for a very dejected/giving up/almost suicidal tone, and failed. Dan, any suggestions on how we can "depress" that stanza up a bit?
I, too, am very appreciative of the time that you've taken. Off to mull over some changes! To the mothership!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.