Just one thing...don't like the word "became" in the second to last stanza, it's too passive. "was", instead? Or maybe "grew"? Might make the line flow better, too.

I take this as a write on the agony of reliving the darker parts of one's past. You might consider changing "its " to her or doing the opposite in line 6. A dark yet entertaining write.......scribbler

i really like it, excellent descriptive.
i agree with rett re the 'because' in the second last stanza - 'was' or 'fell' would work better imho...

love judy
xxxx

very good edit........scribbler

What agony is this? Yes, a fortress with a tower taller than the Eiffel and tiny tiny cell at the top with a locked door and no key and no way out.

You nailed it, Paul. This reminds me of that Eagle's song, Hotel California. I love that song, I know it by heart and when I sing it, I feel it. I felt the same way reading your poem.

Thank you,
Lisa

Excellent write filled with the darkness of ones mind.

we all get detoured from our path in one way or another
throughout our lifetime. And they are just that…detours.
Challenges that make us stronger and teach us lessons of
life.
I like the analogy of your detour of being lost in agonies mansion.
(Interesting you chose agony to be female..lol just teasing
you a bit.)
Though I like the poem, I think you could be more original.
The road we travel is not a new theme. If you are going to
use it, find more creative ways to portray the image.
‘Taunting thoughts
Seem fond of
My racing mind’ …you can make verses like this stronger;
have more impact by being more straight forward…
‘Taunting thoughts
perhaps..seek, seek out,… (something definitive)
My racing mind’ Seem fond of, sounds soft to me. The
state of agony here is anything but soft.

“Agony opened its doors – its should be her doors. You define
Agony as a her in this same stanza, so I’d use her doors. I may
even identify the dwelling as Agonies mansion first. Then the
door opens and you are lured inside. (not in those particular words,
but, I think you will understand what I am saying)
I feel you could also explain the screams of others. Is it tortured thoughts,
unforgivable sins, loneliness, …why are they screaming?
Why has she poisoned your veins? What are you feeling? You
are stating things that just scratch the surface.
Read your poem and really think about this episode that has and
is causing you such strife.
The last line, i think you should not repeat agony’s fortress.
Maybe just say ‘ And still I linger/in her fortress”
There’s a good base here. I feel you can expand the work more
and add more feeling.
Just my thoughts Paul. You are a good writer and have some
excellent ideas. Would love to see you work on this one more.

Always,
Tonya

hi I love everything about this, it brill
well wrote as i see it ,,,,,zigs

I see you've been working on this one ... looking good.
You've received some great suggestions. The need for
revisions can be a hard pill to swallow, sometimes if you
step back for a while, it's easier to change for the better.
I too think the last line could be stronger ... Tonya gave
an in depth look at your poem ... yay for the workshop!

Richard

I like the revisions you have made. I can FEEL more of the agony you are facing and describing. You have given the work much more depth and made the poem more compelling and interesting. I WANTED to see what you were seeing and hear the other voices of torment. You bring your reader more into focus of these emotions when you let them see, hear and feel this stop along your path. I do hope you will be leaving her castle soon. It is not a healthy place to stay. Big Hugs to you.

The 4th stanza:
“Agony poisoned my veins
With a toxin that injected
Into my blood stream – (rewording lines 2 and 3 would help the flow of those lines.)
As it trampled my strength – (I would omit ‘As’)
In search of a collapsed man
Waiting to be nourished
By the host of this house”

5th stanza:
“……..
My weakened state of mind
Was begging me to stay the night” – what do you think about omitting ‘Was’ and say
Something like…’begged me to stay the night’
Watch for the overuse of words like: that, and, as...sometimes you really need them,
sometimes the work feels stronger when you just state the idea.
Just suggestions Paul. Honestly, I feel like you are doing a great job!

Always,
Tonya

Thank you for such a lovely message. I try very hard to give good advice when i see something, in my opinion, might be made to flow smoother or clarified.
It is really a pleasure to critique for someone who appreciates it.
You are most welcome, Sir.
Always,
Tonya

p.s. Ultimately, the decision is up to the author. But, it is really nice to get open honest feedback from your readers. I will never be offended if my advice is not used, as long as the person will think about the suggestions.

you have used the critique and comments on this poem well. I don't see anything that I would change. Nice edit! ~ Geezer.
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