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AGE'S BALM
As time adds slowly to our past
lessening our strengths and stride
and flicker of the days come fast
there's only one place we can hide.
When cold winds blow and old bones ache
and weight of aging gets too great
one comfort we can all partake
is opening our memory's gate.
In my mind I travel back
to summer time in sixty nine,
hearing a basebal bat's sharp crack!
on an evening warm and fine.
And a young girl with orange hair
a ready laugh and sunny smile
who joked and laughed without a care,
she let me sit with her a while.
To my suprise she still sits here
as she has for all these years,
smile still bright, green eyes still clear
who's stayed through both hard times and tears.
So many soothing memories
of times of joy in my mind's view,
some of deep forests and trees,
but most of them take me to you.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Cloudthings
Wed, 2012-04-18 23:25
a romantic work from the centre of a real heart... I loved it
Delicious... especially the lovely last lines that are such a "happy ever after".... they wrap the whole write up with such a warm smiley feeling... I'm not terribly into romanticism, though not averse at all, but this is a romantic work from the centre of a real heart... I loved it.... & what's more, I can imagine it was me, narcissistic as that sounds, I was a small orange haired child, but thought I was the ugliest thing in the world as a result (so did everyone else among my peers, only the old ladies loved the red hair & curls), so reading this was so heartening, I could pretend that I had a childhood where having red hair was not the curse, so little gift for me, thanks... Despite my own projections/responses, I adore this write in itself Scribbler & will come back to it for pleasure & to look beyond my initial reactions to where & what you were/are. Well done.
Anni
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:01
Helo Anni
Posted this late last night and am astonished at the quick reaction. As to the orange hair. At that time there was a hair care product called "sun in" on the market which lightened hair color when exposed to the sun. Well, Susan got a bit carried away with it. It turned her hair which was dark brown with natural red highlights to pumpkin orange lol. Didn't matter to me as her smile and eyes had already hooked me. Thanks for visiting.........stan
author commentRoscoe Lane
Thu, 2012-04-19 03:12
Ah you,
Ah you smooth old dog, beautiful romantic poem. Regards Roscoe.. ps. How could she resist such a romantic young fellow. LOL.
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:03
Hi Roscoe
The suprising thing wasn't so much the initial attraction but that she's still with this old fat gimpy dude lol.........stan
author commentNordic cloud
Thu, 2012-04-19 10:48
Warm, well written and leaves
Warm, well written and leaves us so comfortable and happy.
Ann
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:04
hello Ann
I'm pleased you enjoyed this............stan
author commentWilliam Saint George
Thu, 2012-04-19 11:14
This is beautiful scrib
I was about to lament about the evoking of memories. Mine do not sooth me that much, and I find them an unfortunate escape. Actually, I'v written a poem about the danger of memories, but that's for later.
In your poem, you've cooked up really warm images. I mostly see sunny days here. You;ve crafted something beautiful, and your rhyme and pacing was spot on - in all but this verse:
"To my suprise she still sits here
as she has [done] for all these years
smile still bright, green eyes still clear"
I think adding "done" makes for a more consistent read. Just my opinion. Raising the issue of the young lady, now that was something I didn't see coming. You worked it well into the poem, and finished it off with your last stanza.
I think your title is great, as it just hides enough, yet shows enough about the poem. I think this is awesome. You evoked the right memories. Off to reminisce.
No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot
http://www.wsgeorge.com/
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:09
Hi William
Thanks for coming by. Be assured that not all my memories are of rainbows and sunny days. Just as I expect not all your memories are saddening. I'll think about adding "done" but when I read this aloud with done added it seems to hinder the flow. But a later read might not turn out the same. I'm always tinkering with my stuff so it might take a while before I decide.............stan
author commentCloudthings
Thu, 2012-04-19 23:42
I agree with Will in all but
I agree with Will in all but the addition of "done", reads better for me without ... as it is... all very personal, I know, just saying though.
Heh, well then your Susan was lucky, both not to have to grow up in the 70's with orange hair & to have found a lovely witty man who is happy to be commited & constant.
Look forward to more of your work.
Cheers
Anni
ps just read Cats comment, I think the title perfect as is... like Eddie says, it leaves room for mystery & ponderance, yet fit perfectly with the lovely surprises within... wouldn't want to see you change it
Cheers
Anni
My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"
scribbler
Fri, 2012-04-20 08:34
hi
Many languages and dialects have more pronounced rising and falling inflection that English. So it often might depend on where a person is from as to whether a word is or is not needed. And I better not find that lovely witty guy Susan found or I'll punch him in the nose lol.............stan
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2012-04-19 11:23
Dear Stan,
Age's Balm... I don't think the titlequite suits it. Perhaps something a bit more personal? But I do like the poem and enjoyed the snaphots of your memories eye. I think it is wonderful that you write poems to and about your wife. It bespeaks your joy in life. I write many for Steve, who is always appreciative. Although he likes my eddy styx poems best. I wouldn't change a word of this. Cannot choose favorite lines...they are all great!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 13:12
Hi Cat
I had considered Love's Balm but that made it seem that the love needed relief. But I'll think on this over time and maybe come up with something. Appreciate your visiting............stan
author commentLinda Moses
Thu, 2012-04-19 15:08
A sweet and gentle write. I
A sweet and gentle write, you might want to change the spelling of the word weight, second line, second stanza. Enjoyed your poem
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
scribbler
Thu, 2012-04-19 17:14
Hello Linda
Welcome to Neopoet. Always nice to see a new face. I appreciate your taking the time to read this and spot that misspell. That's what I get for depending on the ol' I before E except after C rule lol,,,,,,,,,,stan
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