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7 Days

Submitted by lou on Thu, 2010-12-16 01:39

Day 1

I vow at the beginning of each week
That I'm not going to let the world get to me,
I'm centred and free.

Day 2

I feel my blood begin to simmer.
My finger is on the trigger.
I just know someone will piss me off, soon.
 
Day 3

Calmness is my middle name,
but underneath the trigger is half cocked,
and my finger is getting itchy.
 
Day 4 

My prediction becomes reality
 the tossers of this world unite,
and make my blood boil.
 I discharge an angry bullet

Day 5

There are idiots everywhere,
they are crawling out of the woodwork
just begging to be mowed down,
by a verbal assault,

Day 6 and 7

The big guns are out
There is open warfare,
A massacre in this town.  

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Psyve

Thu, 2010-12-16 04:26

Psyve's picture

I enjoyed this read.
Liked the way you describe frustration simmering, boiling and exploding... all in the span of a typical week!

P.S.
Careful....I see the bulge in your cheek, where your tongue is resting....
( or is that just the pin of the grenade you just pulled with your teeth?)

Psyve

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 04:44

lou's picture

Hehe,

i'm pleased you understood my intention.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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mand

Thu, 2010-12-16 05:11

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Excellent! I bet there will be alot of this over christmas. lol

Loved it to bits

Love Mand xxxxxxxxx

P.s remind me not to annoy you. Lol

Geezer

Thu, 2010-12-16 12:56

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piss you off, but in verse two, you leave the track and say [him] instead of me. I often feel like this, and now that I am trying to quit smoking, so that I can breathe, it's even worse! Being short of breath, on top of being short tempered, is no fun. Great work! ~ Gee xx

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 15:28

lou's picture

Thank you

Love Lou x

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Kailashana2

Thu, 2010-12-16 13:08

Hahahaha. I like your stuff, kid.

I think I would like to read: 'this town is about to be massacred' (for the last line.)

Remind me to tiptoe through your word mines except on Mondays.

Smile.

~A

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-16 13:55

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

knowing the week you've had already I can understand where this great piece came from.

From an OCD point of view you need to put a line between Day 1 and the verse, like all the others. My OCD is twitching and I won't sleep until you've done it!!...otherwise my week will end like yours began!! Lol.

I liked the way day six rolled into day 7...I often find my days running into each other.

I really enjoyed this one.

You did throw me with this line:

"I just know someone will piss him off, soon" - who is the 'Him' in this piece?

regards,

HS

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With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 16:34

lou's picture

I'm happy that you enjoyed it, the him in this piece is yet another typo lol

Yes iv'e had a bit of week

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

Hooded Stranger

Thu, 2010-12-16 15:55

Hooded Stranger's picture

Lou,

it looks great now, I will be able to sleep better knowing there is a gap between Day 1 and the verse!!

Lol!

Hope you have a better week next week...although we are due lots of snow, so it probably will be a cold and bleak one!

regards,

HS

--------------
Workshops are now open:
http://new.neopoet.com/workshop/find
--------------
With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me.

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 21:55

lou's picture

HS,

the snow will keep me at my desk, so i hope to write more.

hope your week goes well to.

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

author comment

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 21:12

lou's picture

Watch out don't piss me off lol

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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scribbler

Thu, 2010-12-16 17:29

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It takes you an entire week ti grow tired of idiots? As you get older, you'll find that this time will shorten lol.............stan

lou

Fri, 2010-12-17 01:09

lou's picture

Stan I can get annoyed with people much. More quickly than 7 days

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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Eduardo Cruz

Thu, 2010-12-16 18:04

Eduardo Cruz's picture

I love this one, I wrote something like this about a year and a half back, I think it's in limbo in the old site, maybe it will be resurrected. just waiting on the Gods of tech. I love to see that it is hard to control anger when everyone keeps pushing, so we're all in the same boat armed to the teeth. Hahaha!
great write Bud
Always Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

lou

Thu, 2010-12-16 21:09

lou's picture

I'm not a violent girl but, sometimes I'd like to bust a cap in someone's ass lol

Louise

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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ziggy

Sun, 2010-12-19 16:03

well hello there I'm well over due a read from you
I never thought of writing a poem about a week,day
by day, sounds like one not to remember ,
I like the ending ,,,,zigs x

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

lou

Thu, 2011-01-06 05:03

lou's picture

your a good friend

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

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