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Where Can A Poet Go? (Shark Workshop 2 ~ Deep Analysis Re-write)

What if i wanted to write poetry
and offered alms to the poet?

Give me a few words or give me
poetic death--
stasis is not a state of mind
nor the gist of things
like stingers on a scorpion
shaken from swaggering boots
of morning,

or a bumble bee,
neither
too yellow or too black
to carry its full weight;

forgive me for being where I'm
not wanted
or being who I am--
I'm an American Outlaw:
a stone's throw from
royalty and deeper than dirt
in my own shit

just don't carry me home
unless you decide to
scrape the bottom of your own life.

Editing stage: 

Comments

Not sure why you opted posting on a separate page, your
re-write would have been easier to see the differences on
the revisions tab.

I could only find two words changed, let me know if I'm correct;
"of" morning, which shortens the original, usually a sure thing as
far as improvement, and you removed the extra "too". To tell the
truth, I think I actually liked the extra too, just thought it was in the
wrong place the first time, felt it would flow better something like;
too black, or too too yellow, or even way too yellow, but either way
it is one of the best lines I've read recently, sends such a strong image
and causes the reader to keep going back to see the whole picture.

Give me words etc, a play on "give me freedom or give me death",
very effective.
nor the gist of things; felt a saucier word than "things" would be more
effective there.

I still question the first line, it's confusing to me to write a poem and
offer yourself alms, perhaps I'm missing something there.

There is little I could suggest to improve this piece Anna, I feel this one
is ready for the publisher ...

Richard

Well why did you repost this?
We all know how to use the Revisions function.
I think it would be best to unpublish this so we can all comment on the same page.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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