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RAINBOW'S END
I used to come here to retreat
from southern summer's muggy heat
and watch the rainbows in the mist
where the sun, the air and water kissed.
Below an old dam built of stone
(much of the time I came alone)
to a foothills river running white
save where the small dam tamed its might.
Steep stoney cliffs on either side
where rattle snakes are said to hide
shaded the water through the day
while holding most high winds at bay.
I'd come to fish (and throw most back)
in pools where fast waters ran slack
wading currents cold and clear
with cliffs and stone dam looming near.
Alas, today the water's red
with mud from river's upstream bed
released because the dam is gone
no longer blocking white bass spawn.
I guess that I'll still come up here
when water once again runs clear
but tucked back in my memory
are visions of what used to be.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Roscoe Lane
Sat, 2011-08-27 19:08
I read your,
I read your words and feel as though i'm there. Your poem creates a beautiful tranquil picture. Regards Roscoe..
Roscoe Llane,
Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-27 20:41
Hi Roscoer
I'm always happy to bring others along on my writes lol. Thanks for visiting...............stan
author commentweirdelf
Sun, 2011-08-28 03:14
the last two ines
offer what I suggested. Not just description, meaning. Well done.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sun, 2011-08-28 08:16
hi Jess
Thank you. See, I stumble upon something semi-good every once in a while lol. Thanks for coming by and reading.............stan
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2011-08-28 12:18
hi Rose
I am glad you enjoyed this. I guess I need to be a bit more careful with spacings, but the foothills is a location not a possession type description, so I'll leave that as is. Hope all is well with you and thanks for the visit and eagle eye..........stan
author commentraj
Sun, 2011-08-28 15:38
Stan
creating vivid imagery has been your forte..like Roscoe said this poem painted a tranquil picture for me too ...your mood too is palpable...
a tad bit of suggestion...how about this change
with cliffs and stone dam looming near
with cliffs and stone dam looming large
Cheers!
raj (sublime_ocean)
scribbler
Sun, 2011-08-28 15:52
Hi raj
Good of you to read and leave a comment. As to your suggestion, to change near to large would lose rhyme in earlier part of stanza. But keep ideas coming as I always give them consideration...........stan
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2017-06-05 13:44
You've done good work on the revisions here mate
Doncha both love and hate the process?
I certainly love seeing it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2017-06-05 18:03
Hi Jess
I can write a poem then sit and study it looking for ways to make it better before posting. Finding none I then post and await suggestions some of which I use. Poem then slowly sinks in the stream and disappears.....until I look it up sometimes months later to review it and with fresh eyes suddenly what I could not see becomes obvious lol. That's why there are times when even some of my oldest stuff pops back up on stream. So, yes, I love the process lol...BTW thanks for reviewing the small edit.....stan
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2018-08-08 17:12
Again, love, even envy, your process Stan
onya mate.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Wed, 2018-08-08 17:57
Lol
Only thing wrong is it's so slow
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2018-08-08 21:32
that's cool, you're going to live forever, aren't you?
aren't you?
[bottom lip quivers]
aren't you?
psst, the secret is- refrain from dying
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry