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The Nest Is Empty...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2011-07-17 09:28

"My husband died," she says; as I shut the taxi door
"I've got two cars, but lost my license, so I don't drive them anymore
They put me in the hospital, I can't eat, I guess I'm sick
I'm all alone, except my dogs, and my eyes keep playing tricks"

"I thought I saw my Sam, and somehow, I got myself locked out
I'm not sure I saw him now, there seems to be some doubt
Can you tell me, what the time is? It seems I've been here all forever
I'm not coming back again, they won't get me back here, ever!"

She knows the way to get home, but has forgot the name of her street
Turn here she says; "Now we just drive, to where the two roads meet
My children live in California, they are so far away
I try hard not to be so lonely, and not to call them everyday"

"It's so hard since Sam has gone, he was my buddy, I miss him so"
[ I say I can imagine, but I can't really know ]
Her dogs slip out the door, as she goes in for the money
I pet them as I wait, she says; "Thank you so much, honey"

As I pull away, I see her in the mirror
What's that wetness on my cheek? Is that a tear...or
Nah, it's just something in my eye, I'm a tough guy, don't you see?
You'd never catch me crying... But I'm alone right now

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

DawningDaytripper

Sun, 2011-07-17 09:48

DawningDaytripper's picture

Your gonna make me cry, no fair. I don't wanna.

This was lovely. I felt your rythem was loose in a few places but then again maybe it just reflects the vulnerability of the write. Very touching. Was this inspired by a real fare?

Much love to you,

Julie

D.D.

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Geezer

Sun, 2011-07-17 15:31

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it was. I hold a special fondness for the elderly that I meet. There are many of them that are right on the edge of not being able to live on their own. This is one of them. She lives in a suburb of Albany, with her two also elderly dogs. One is thirteen, the other I think, eight or nine. She asked me to write down my name and the days of the week that I work, so that when she needs to go somewhere she can call for me. She says that her friends must be tired of giving her rides to the store and all. I think that if the dogs weren't with her, she probably wouldn't even go to the store for food. I do see that there are some places that I can tighten it up, but too tired right now, I will work on it later. Love ya, ~ Gee

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author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2011-07-17 19:56

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I couldn't fit all the things we talked about, in this poem. I was with her later that day, because she had to go get her meds, and altogether, was with her for a couple of hours. My dispatcher sends me on a lot of these calls because I have the reputation of getting along so well with old people. Lots of them call and ask for me. As for you, I guess you must be getting old too, I see you forgot the second E in feel. LOL. ~ Thanks again, ~ Gee

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Nilmini

Mon, 2011-07-18 09:19

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Truly enjoyed this one. Love the rhythem and rhyming. Only wish you'd re-do the last stanza to match the balance that are excellent. If I may further suggest, I feel that her words could be easily identified from your personal remarks if they were put within quotation marks. I got confused and had difficulty in understanding the poem at first. But with the second read, I LOVED it. You truly have got a kind heart! Thank you for the read!!

Geezer

Mon, 2011-07-18 13:49

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quotation marks, and I hope that I fixed the rhythm in a couple of places. I think that makes it smoother.
I wanted people to think about being alone, and what it meant, which is why I did what I did with the last stanza. Thanks for the kind words, if you loved this one, I suggest that you read: Steve McQueen.
That is another one like this; about an old gentleman, that I used to take to church every Sunday. ~ Geezer

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This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Nilmini

Mon, 2011-07-18 15:40

Nilmini's picture

I like it more now.
Thanks I'll read 'Steve McQueen', too when I find some time. I'm sure it'll be as good as this, too.

spydurpoet

Mon, 2011-07-18 18:02

This was powerful and emotional. I loved reading it, even as it made me sad. The only thing was the last stanza completely threw me off with the change of rhyme! I felt kind of cheated. But still, amazing poem!

~*~jessi

Jessi / ~spydurpoet~

Geezer

Tue, 2011-07-19 18:46

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to Nilmini, I did that intentionally. I wanted people to think about what it means to be alone, without a partner that they were with for many years, and on the edge of not being able to care for themselves. Thanks for the read, and the comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it. ~ Geezer

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author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2011-07-19 09:45

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but I also don't.
If you trust me as a critic at all, trust me there is something wrong here. It plays too much like a C&W poem. Is that bad? Well it's got a big audience. But so has line dancing.

I can't tell you how to improve this but I can only tell you it feels to me like playing on emotions rather than being them.

cheers,
Jess
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Geezer

Tue, 2011-07-19 18:39

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thing I manipulated, were the words. The story is true, as is "Steve McQueen". I deal with nursing homes, and elderly-housing a lot. I guess that country poems, and line dancing, aren't everyone's cup of tea, but that's what many song-writers have made millions from. Of course, I played on emotions, isn't that what poetry is about? ~ Gee

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Geezer

Tue, 2017-03-28 21:25

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f*%#ing kidding me? Really? [All] forever; just a filler to help the syllable count! I mean, haven't you ever heard the phrase "for all eternity?" She was talking to me, I didn't see anybody else there. As for your sympathy, I guess that I didn't make it clear that I picked her up from the E.R. at the local hospital where she had been since early morning. She is obviously in the beginning of Alzheimer's
and all alone. You seem smart enough to figure it out, but maybe you are just being facetious, I mean, [all] the other commenters got it in one. ~ Gee

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author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2017-03-30 11:41

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After looking over the poem, I realized that it really wasn't clear to someone who isn't familiar with Alzheimer's on a first hand basis. Didn't mean to make such a big deal about it. No whack on the head for you, maybe I need one for being so cranky. Thanks for the read and the smooth comment
~ Gee.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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