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GAS GAUGE BLUES
Well just kiss my big fat ass
my gauge don't work, I'm out of gas!
Tried calling everyone on cell
all the calls went to voice mail
One last chance, called an old friend
if he don't answer it's the end
But what's this? A human voice!
might know it would be my last choice
The friend is old but really good
message is clear, it's understood
so I'll sit here like a dumb ass
awaiting him and extra gas
*written while sitting on side of road out of gas
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2011-11-28 11:37
I know...
The feeling! Your meter is off, too! LOL ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Mon, 2011-11-28 13:01
hi Gee
Sacrificed mete to capture the raw feeling of being foolish enough to run out of ga(even though gas gage was broken) Thanks for the visit.........stan
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2011-11-30 18:50
Good poem...
I guess sacrificing meter isn't such a bad thing when it is something that is written for the raw emotion, and in looking at it again, the meter is a bit odd, but not all that bad.I did get the feeling and almost felt like I was there. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
scribbler
Wed, 2011-11-30 20:25
Hi gee
I left and intend to leave this just as it was written while I was waiting for buddy to bring me some gas as I sat on the side of the road. I DO feel that the rawness of form might actually enhance the feeling of incompetence in allowing myself to run out of gas. Thanks for the return visit..............stan
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