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Exhalation Travel (eddy styx) formerly known as "Secrets"

secrets

I am foreign
among your petals
breathing deeply.
softly sighing
brain eruptions
tiny tingling deaths
intubate me
with kisses slow,
being is believing.
sniffling surreptitiously
dandelion fuzz
on fluttering fingers.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
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Comments

i liked the sensual characteristic of this write

raj (sublime_ocean)

Glad you liked it! It is very different for an eddy styx poem.

always, Cat

*
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author comment

Even with a love poem, eddy styx is still weird! Thanks for reading and responding!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
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author comment

I read this as a bee pollinating but realize it didn't Have to be a bee to still be correct. Was that enough be's lol. L-4 I would switch the two words to match up better with line 3 but that's just me............

Thanks Stan,

I'll think about your suggestion!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

.

Cat You Are
That silver lining
We see around a cloud,
So many of us would like to catch it
At least me,
Have no doubt
But the lining is so silvery,
My eyes can't that distance see
But surely do come by
And
Elevate me
To a higher storey

loved

Thank you kindly, that's very sweet of you!

always, eddy (& Cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

It feels like love, but there is an underlining feeling of the touch of death in this. Why I don't know, but there is a certain sweetness to the feeling over taking the reader. Well at lease me.
Bravisima!!

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I think it is the word "intubate" as it is an action of rescue. And it was intentional, so glad you picked up on this subtlty. You're a deep thinker!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

The deepness is in your write. I just see it. the credit is all yours, Buddy

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

LOL! You're a hard man to pay a compliment! But a good man, too!

always, eddy (& cat)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

Hi Cat, first let me ask did you mean *exaltation* ?

Or .exhilaration?

Would you consider renaming the poem whichever you meant: *exaltation* or *exhilaration*?

Omit it as your last sentence?

Yes I meant exhalation travel. I like your idea. thanks!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

author comment

and my suggestions are best shown by example. All I have done is remove some line breaks and add some punctutation. See what you think.

secrets

I am foreign among your petals,
breathing deeply.
Softly sighing brain eruptions,
tiny tingling deaths
intubate me with kisses slow.
Being is believing.
sniffling surreptitiously
dandelion fuzz
on fluttering fingers.

cheers,
Jess
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