Hi Stan,

As far as I can see it, there's only 2 levels you have reached with this poem... the obvious one that *bridges* and the metaphoric one that spans distance from writer to reader.

Nothing in between, nothing above to ponder. And that's what I feel is missing from much poetry. No nuances, no shadings. No pulling apart, no tearing *poem* searing into the subconscious with its questions, no depth-plumbing... No aha! No God, I know I felt something move, just what IS it?

~A

By itself it is a lovely poem which creates not just the imagery but if i understood the undercurrents also dwells on the widening gap and contrasts in the social fabric..political & religious isms which need to be bridged and your doing your bit to mend the weakening bond (bridge)....having said that i may not have noticed the undercurrents if i did not have an inkling about the objectives of this workshop...in that context you may give a consideration to add a piece somewhere ...to connect the physical aspect of the bridge with the weakening bonds in society...again if that is the intent of your write...assuming i have read it right...i will follow responses to your write and your edits from time to time ...

Wow! Raj! You read all that? Then I am remiss. Thanks for the wake up.

~A

Thank you for posting this piece for the "pool", I enjoyed reading.
One thing I'd like to suggest to all participants is to refrain from giving
your intentions of your poem within comments until all have had the chance
to come to their own conclusions.

In this workshop each participant will submit a poem which the other participants will firstly attempt to describe/summarise as simply as possible. The comparisons will be revealing.

Summary; a bridge in need of repair, the bridge connects the road to the farming
fields and is probably needed for farm equipment and the like.

Your imagery is strong. There are some places where the meter didn't feel quite
there, I didn't count the syllables, but the music in the rhythm isn't there, especially so
in the last line.

I feel I have to say something about the intent you commented about to Ian, this
could be a metaphor about reaching the other man, and the bridge could be a symbol,
but it is so literally about the divide of two pieces of land, it doesn't reach that for me,
now, it could, with very little work in fact, but I will leave that thought with you.

please don't change anything until all have commented

thanks again for participating

Richard

The land is rugged on this side
on the other, flat and wide
crops grow in deep dark soil
making this bridge worth the toil

REVISION:
(a) drop "where" and"thus"
(b) re work last line to eliminate "toil" -forced rhyme

This has an easy comfortable cadene--bucolic and oldcountry home. Soothing. I would like to see, however, some deep struture metaphor re: Man and his role in Nature--caretaker, ec Something open ended that makes us think or leaves us in awe.

More drama and movement.

Joe [but, then again, what do Iknow? :) ]

This piece was a joy to read. There is much to grasp from your
Deep poem
Coming from me I see their are many bridges to cross
Mentally or physically we choose whether to cross or
stand their wondering what's on the other side
Never burn them because you may wanna
Return to where you came and start over
Crossing a different bridge to a different life

May not be what your poem intended but is
what I derived from your title bridges

Will everyone please re-read the syllabus

In particular-
In this workshop each participant will submit a poem which the other participants will firstly attempt to describe/summarise as simply as possible the literal meaning. The comparisons will be revealing.
and
please do not post intent until every participant has been given the chance to arrive at their own conclusions based on the poem itself. Also please do not edit your poem until everyone has given feedback, or we will be commenting on different poems!

Being not of the "Shark Pool", but of the friendly persuasion, I offer my observations. I like this verse best:

The land is rugged on this side
on the other, flat and wide
where crops grow in deep dark soil
thus making this bridge worth the toil

There are advantages and hinderances to bridging ANY gap. I get the social implications in your strong metaphors. I think you have done a fine job with this piece.

always, Cat

intentions across? It seems to me that some have under-read it, and some have over-read it, but no-one really got all your full intent. Do you think some of the other devices we discussed at the beginning of the workshop might help?

I think the main problem is that you present a dichotomy- the near side land (self) is useless, the far side land arable so you need the bridge to prosper. Since all the land is presumable your own I read it as a schism within oneself, attempting to bridge the gap between disparate parts of ones own nature. To have the land across the bridge represent other people or ideas it should not be "better" or "worse" it should be diversified.

in line 5 do you think the word "stream" would be a better alternative to "branch"..i presume the bridge is over a stream running in the ridge..

you may also consider eliminating "thus" in line 12.......

An expansion into unknown or dangerous territory is the first meaning I read, and on a literal level a farmer going to repair a bridge where he is willing to replenish and make the land fertile again.

I don’t think this poem limits itself in anyway, your rhyme scheme and stanza structure is perfect.

You have a very tight control over your symbolism, it’s rare to find a poet who knows when and how to stop, so a technique doesn’t take over the meaning of the poem.
I think this is great in every aspect: imagery, association, subtext, flow etc.

You definitely know what you’re doing, let’s expand your horizons a little.

I think this would work perfectly as a sonnet, you’ve almost used the exact structure, rhyme scheme and metre for the English sonnet, all you need is to add to last lines as a couplet.

I am blown away with the amount of thought and preparation you have put into the construction of this poem.

Well-done!

Firstly let me give you a strong nod of approval for a) the choice and b) the implementation of such a strong metaphor. I agree with many of the others as to what these metaphors could represent, so I won't elaborate on that now. My greatest criticism at this point, is punctuation - or the lack thereof! I'm not necessarily old school, but I have read a great deal of poetry and I can honestly say - the subtle, ofttimes subconscious pause for breathtaking, makes a more meaningful impact - whatever the descriptive phraseology. I will quote here from your closing lines by way of example.
So it's one repair I never shirk - (or a '.')
A strong bridge is worth "some" work. (I have put the word 'some' in inverted commas - as I would prefer to see a less cliched, more descriptive word here)
Good, piece, despite my preferences.
Regards
Boni

Firstly let me give you a strong nod of approval for a) the choice and b) the implementation of such a strong metaphor. I agree with many of the others as to what these metaphors could represent, so I won't elaborate on that now. My greatest criticism at this point, is punctuation - or the lack thereof! I'm not necessarily old school, but I have read a great deal of poetry and I can honestly say - the subtle, ofttimes subconscious pause for breathtaking, makes a more meaningful impact - whatever the descriptive phraseology. I will quote here from your closing lines by way of example.
So it's one repair I never shirk - (or a '.')
A strong bridge is worth "some" work. (I have put the word 'some' in inverted commas - as I would prefer to see a less cliched, more descriptive word here)
Good, piece, despite my preferences.
Regards
Boni

that is where the line
thus making this bridge worth the toil
jars.

I know Robert Frost is a favourite of yours and like him you use beautifully crafted verse to convey one simple concept. And here I think it falters, as I said before the implication that the land across the bridge belongs to you signifies an inner landscape rather than the anti-Babel idea I think you wanted to convey.

I would suggest a bridge to unknown lands, with some fertility in your own, but that would be a completely different poem.

Got to say this man, in all honesty, I believe your adherence to structure limits your ideas.

then let's all go back to the the Deep Analysis page for final comments and feedback on the workshop.

On one level, Stan and I are ever at odds though we have come to respect one another as human beings. That's a huge bridge to build and it took a lot of hard work.

Sometimes it's not even about the poetry. And other levels don't mean anything.

;-)

To you both!
Boni

This was great to read again. Refreshing, perfect flow, fitting title