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At wits' end
I have put up with you enough
You keep challenging my rights
From my parents, I inherited this house
But you wouldn’t accept it’s mine
You’ve sneaked in, to live in here
As if you’ve got a birth right
The legal system wouldn’t help me
To remove you from the site
You use my things; from my table you eat
But I don’t earn for both you and I
I tried chasing you off the bounds
You wouldn’t budge, despite my trying!
My efforts to have my house to me
To enjoy my ‘Possessory Rights’
To keep my place nice and clean
All blown off, I’ve no more choice
Frustration gives me murderous thoughts
I’m desperate to save my house
Though I hate to break the first precept
I just bought the trap, Mr. Mouse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
The words 'first precept' in the one before the last line refer to the 1st precept of the five basic rules of Buddhism (which is, to an extent, similar to 10 commandments in Christianity)
1st precept says ‘you must not kill’.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-07-22 11:53
Dear Nilmini
!!! I loved the surprise ending!!! When a restraining order won't do, traps is the only resort.
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Nilmini
Fri, 2011-07-22 13:03
Thank you Cat.
Thank you for being so kind to post a comment on this. I thought nobody likes my poor poem.
; - )
author commentloved
Fri, 2011-07-22 13:42
i hope you shall be able to scare the fat mouse away....
from where you stay
and
in the doldrums of time,
his remains stilled...
you will be able to garbage.
loved
Nilmini
Wed, 2012-08-15 14:50
Sorry
I'm so sorry for the long delay in replying. Didn't come on Neopoet for a long time. Thanks for wishing me well with the fat mouse. But this keeps happening all the time, one fat mouse replacing the other. ; )
author commentNilmini
Thu, 2012-08-16 13:27
Thank you
Oh, Ephraimcrud (I don't know how to pronounce your name. I got my tongue twisted trying to say it; ))
I'm so happy that you've enjoyed it. xxx
author commentIan.T
Wed, 2012-08-15 17:57
Oh Rat's
Damn mice every where,
If it's blind it belongs in a nursery rhyme
Tail less blame the Farmers wife
If it's struck it has run up the clock,
Hickory Dickory Dock
cant think what to make it stop
Sweet piece of writing there, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Nilmini
Thu, 2012-08-16 13:29
: )
Enjoyed your little mice poem.
author commentNilmini
Thu, 2012-08-16 13:36
Hi Beau
I'm so grateful to you about the suggestions. I agree with them and will take steps to do the changes immedietely. I'm also glad that you liked this poem. I'd appreciate loads if you could read my other poems and comment on them, too.
Cheers.
author comment