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Intrepid (Cliché Workshop poem rewrite)
intrepid
damn you charlie brown,
tiny tim and sam hall!
elucidating the antiquated means of resistance
in the persistence of playing one-up-man-ship
in the ground control (hello Major Tom!)
of who's minding the store,
but then I never knew you to be a back-stabber
or an attention-grabber playing
the-one-who-dies-with-the-most-toys-wins hands down
hand me a crown, I'm king of the hill
and don't you just love my insistence
in the preoccupation of the daily rationing of relationship
to cause and effect,
dredging out the scope of home-sweet-home
dragging its tailbone,
throw me one will ya?
to knock the cover off the ball,
follow the bounce
sorry,
did I do that?
(spoken in Urkel)
Last few words:
Urkel: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Urkel
Ok, so I substituted some clichés for other ones, but trust me no clichés were harmed in the process of writing this poem.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
lou
Tue, 2011-06-28 10:57
Anna
Well you left a cliche in,'knock the cover off the ball,'and added two new ones,' damn you charlie brown,' and 'the ground control (hello Major Tom)',' even if they are slightly mis-quoted. Apart from that a pretty good effort.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-06-28 13:11
Indeed I did, Lou; however
Indeed I did, Lou; however perhaps I created a new one with *follow the bounce* (which is why I left it in). Besides , explanations was in the remarks.
Sometimes one can't help but use a cliche in a poem. many of mine are now standard and customary on the net. ;-)
~A
author commentlou
Tue, 2011-06-28 11:44
Anna
Yes i read your explanation, but the idea was to avoid using cliches, and that is why i mentioned them.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
Kailashana2
Tue, 2011-06-28 13:12
Well, I flunked the exercise
Well, I flunked the exercise then, because I'd rather have a fun poem then *follow directions*.
I'm bad and proud of it. (That's two cliches, right?) I think the gist of all these workshops is two things we need to recognize: that humans will always have rules of engagement and rules to follow even in an *idea of workshop*. The exercise of living is two-fold imo, to come into our own and to know the rules, when to break them and when not to.
Thanks for the dialogue, Lou.
~A
author commentlou
Tue, 2011-06-28 14:03
Anna
Enjoy
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
raj
Tue, 2011-06-28 14:15
Anna
I knew it was not a lapse but you had deliberately used those cliches...lol..
raj (sublime_ocean)
Barbara Writes
Tue, 2011-06-28 22:09
Anna
this is a fun poem cliches' and all. i like the story portrayed here
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Candlewitch
Fri, 2011-07-01 12:20
Dear Anna,
Quite impressive, this fun little poem of yours! Good work!
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Hooded Stranger
Fri, 2011-07-01 14:33
Anna
Anna,
you did a good job with this one, even if you did use some big words I had to look up.
Clever wording and deliberate use of cliches...good for you, you never like to follow rules!! LOL!
HS
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