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Life- Clichés and their use Workshop Re-Write
An old crone flaps her lips
cigarette butt balanced on her toothless grin,
talking about youths innocence,
about how things are.
How life travels so fast
and teenage years pass
freedom never lasts,
and past loves die.
Preaching the gospel according to the elderly
the hard graft in the factory
the Forman looking over you.
The story of the working class.
The choices she never had,
and the Taxs that she paid.
The war and the friends
That she made.
Churchill and Vera Lynn
and how we all pulled together
the test as humanity bled.
Lived life to the full.
Now she's old and society
has no respect,
as she sips her Guiness
And smokes her snout.
Longing for peace and quiet
of the retirement home,
clawing at her hairy chin.
Eyes bleary and dim.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Author information
Region & Country
West London
Favorite Poets
Pablo Neruda, Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics
Comments
Barbara Writes
Sun, 2011-06-26 00:14
Lou
really nice poem i like the calmness i get from reading it
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 00:19
Barbara
Thank. You, don't know if I like it it's so far away from my usual subject matter.
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-06-26 01:01
lou
How dare you write such a beautiful poem, I think you're trying to win. You better stop or I will deduct from your pay.
Hahaha!
a really, really good re-write, those damn cliche were a pain in the come from behind!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 01:10
Eddie
Don't be a sore loser LMAO
Thank you, I found this very difficult, I read it and I don't feel that I wrote it LOL
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-06-26 05:30
lou
I know what you mean, and how I know.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:28
Chrys
Thank you very much, you're correct it did make me think, had to think bloody hard LOL!!!
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentKailashana2
Sun, 2011-06-26 10:24
OMG!~ cliche expletive!~c
OMG!
~ cliche expletive!
~A
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 10:53
Anna
Is that a good OMG or a bad one?
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentKailashana2
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:13
Ha!
Ha!
Who am I to argue with God?
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:59
Anna
I don't know what you mean
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentKailashana2
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:37
neither do I. that makes two
neither do I. that makes two of us.
~A
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:29
Ian
First of all there is no such word as worstest, secondlly what do you mean by the lady must have friends in hight places?
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2011-06-26 14:22
Ian
What are you talking about you and me, let go of my tails. Your not going to high places holding on to me.
( as he pulls out his scatter Gun and shoots the sparrow out of the air)
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
lou
Sun, 2011-06-26 12:58
Ian
Ok
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentlou
Mon, 2011-06-27 11:31
Ian
Hope the tablets kick in soon. LOL!!
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentCandlewitch
Mon, 2011-06-27 10:48
Workshop: Cliches and Their Uses
Great job, Lou! Fantastic imagery. I could "see" every line. I'm just now working on my mess of a poem. I hope I do even half as well.
love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Mon, 2011-06-27 11:30
Cat
Thank you my friend, but this poem needs a he'll of a lot of work.
I'm looking forward to reading yours, im convinced it will be good.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentCandlewitch
Mon, 2011-06-27 12:38
Lou,
I really like this piece... and how you "stepped out of the box" expanding your area of expertise. Very Vogue...
always, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
lou
Mon, 2011-06-27 14:40
Cat
Thank you
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentraj
Mon, 2011-06-27 13:49
Lou
The portrait of an old woman scripted very well by You...you could do w\better with correcting the spelling errors which could be through oversight:-
An old crone flaps here (her) lips
talking about youths (youth's) innocence,
the Forman (Foreman) looking over you.
The choices she never had ("made" could be better),
and the Taxs (Taxes) that she paid.
In any case those errors don't take anything away from the essence of this write...a little bleak but a fact very well brought out to make people think that we should respect the elders..
raj (sublime_ocean)
lou
Mon, 2011-06-27 14:41
Raj
Thanks, when I rewrite ill correct spellings.
lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentHooded Stranger
Mon, 2011-06-27 15:17
Lou
Lou,
a tough assignment, but you did it really well. It has more of a Lou feel to it, but it has a calming feel, which isn't quite your style. That said, I can't see how you could give it the full 'Lou' effect as you wouldn't normally write about this subject.
One Cliche dropped in? "Lived life to the full" - I'll let you off as you did good girl.
Mine has now been posted, and it is better than Eddie's, so he is going down!
Lol!
HS
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Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2011-06-27 17:45
Ok brother
The party is over I'm coming after you!
you ever see the sky from the floor, that's how far your going, if I can get up from the floor first. LMAO!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
lou
Mon, 2011-06-27 16:24
Dan
I definitely wouldn't usually choose to write this sort of poem, but I did the best I could.
You boys and your competitive natures lol!!
Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentlou
Sat, 2011-07-02 07:43
Jayne
Hooray !! you made it LOL !!! I Am glad you have joined us. Thanks for your kind comments, this cliche thing caused major problems, it was s hard to write. I'm well known for typos, i will put that right.
Love Lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
author commentlou
Sat, 2011-07-02 07:55
JC
Did you start off with the third task, writing a poem in your own style ? I thought the cliches were cleverly hidden LOL!!
love lou
Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!
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